Here is a piece of old news. I love superheroes. But I also love my country.

Superheroes, like countries, all have different doctrines and identities. Every country a plethora of heroes not found in the Marvel, or New 52 universes, with their own philosophies and personalities. But unlike the heroes of comics, national heroes have helped shape entire countries global identities.

I am Canadian. And my nations heroes are very different then our close neighbours of the United States. To contrast George Washington, we have Sir Issac Brock. Now my outsiders opinion of George Washington is that he was a patriot, a man that fought to start a country that he loved. My insiders opinion of Brock is that... He was kind of a jerk. Where Washington loved his country, Brock HATED Canada, and wanted nothing to do with it.


Small Canadian history lesson. In 1812 the United States of America invaded Canada, out of fear of a future British invasion. They were simply striking first. One of the military leaders was Sir Issac Brock, the hero of Upper Canada!...
Its a well known fact that Brock hated Canada, he thought his efforts were wasted protecting this back water colony when he could be in Europe fighting Napoleon. Yet he died defending Canada, and is now a celebrated hero, we named a university after the dude.

Another contrast between Canada and the United States heroes. Wyatte Earp, famous for his epic shoot out at the OK Corral, and the Mountie Sam Steel, famous for never resorting to fighting. He'd always talk people down from violence, never drawing his weapon in the line of duty as member of the RCMP.

Those are two stark contrast in my mind. But the Canadian hero, that I think is most prominent in the minds of my nation, is a 23 year old who was named Terry Fox. He was an athlete who lost his leg to cancer, a disease that has affected us all in some way I'm sure.
In 1980 Terry set out on what was called a marathon of hope. With only one leg, he was going to run across Canada to raise awareness and money for cancer research. A little Canadian geography lesson... Canada is fucking big.

Terry didn't make it. The cancer that had taken his leg, had spread to his lungs. 9 months after finding this out, Terry was dead. This depresses me, so I'm going to cheer myself up by connecting Terry Fox to superheroes... Easy! The guy that played Iceman in the X-Men films, played Terry in a Tv movie.

I'm no historian though. In fact the last class I took on history was called “History of Comedy”. So not only am I not qualified, I don't want to take the time to go through the family tree of Canadian heroes to see how our ideals on heroics, and our national identity were created. I'll just say where I think we ended up.

The Canadian identity is that we're peaceful and polite people. Hell its often said Canada is the only country to win independence by asking nicely. I think that's why our heroes are forgotten and unknown. Its not polite to brag.


A Canadian hero, like most great heroes is selfless. But also polite, not naturally aggressive, and always for peaceful resolution. Kind of boring sounding to be honest. But there is more to it, Canada as a nation is reserved, until threatened.
Americans, I believe wear their patriotism on their sleeves, right next to their heart. Canadians keep their patriotism in their back pocket, and it only comes out when its called into question.
The Canadian identity, and the identity of our heroes can be summed up in, stereotypically, in a beer commercial. Back in the late 90's Molson Beer had some AWESOME beer commercials proclaiming I AM CANADIAN.


The one that depicts Canada best features a Canadian, new to an American office. His co-worker says, “So your from Canada, EH?” and goes onto mock the Canadian repeatedly. The Canadian politely nods to his coworker, smiling, until he becomes annoyed, and jerseys the guy. We then hear the slogan and see the graphic proclaiming, “I AM CANADIAN!” The next shot is the Canadian sitting at the bar drinking with his still jerseyed American coworker.
The Canadian klinks beers with the man and says, “No hard feelings eh?” The American giggles, “You said eh.”
That final moment, presents the most important quality of a Canadian hero. What happens on the ice, stays on the ice.



 
Okay, starting today off with the end of my Rainbow Brite 'review'. I know I said that I was going to watch episodes 4-5, but do to lack of time and personal interest (I feel Learned everything I need to learn about Rainbow Brite) I'm going to end with episode 4.
So my run down. What did I think of the show? In all honesty, it was okay. I'm not going to become a fan, but if some day in the distant future, VERY distant future I have a daughter, or niece and I see 'Rainbow Brite' on RedRay I'd buy it.
For a girls cartoon, 'Rainbow Brite' has a slight edge to it. Its villains are dark, and the tone is adventures. Its themes are nothing special, neither is the art style. It just looks like strawberry shortcake, and the themes are the same old 'Carebear' crap. But 'Rainbow Brite' is LESS gay then 'Carebears'.
Speaking of gay, how is it that 'Rainbow Brite' NOT a gay symbol? How does Madonna with her gross tits, and man arms, become symbol of the gay community but not a character named 'RAINBOW BRITE.'

Anyway, to fill out this post a little more, here is “5 Mixed Media Urban Legends!... Some of which I may have made up myself.”

Alfonso Ribeiro taught Michael Jackson how to moonwalk

Who is Alfonso Riberio you ask? You may know him better as Carlton Banks of Bel-air. The guy that does this famous little dance.

The story starts back in 1983. Alfonso had just stared in a Broadway show called “The Tap Dance Kid.” Showing that he had obvious dance talent, he was recruited for a Pepsi commercial featuring the king of pop, Micheal Jackson.

Not the Pepsi commercial where Jackson's head burst into the flame.

No, this one.

See that move Carlton did? The Moon Walk? That was the first time Jackson had seen it. He liked it so much that between takes MJ had Alfonso Riberio teach him the move... its also safe to assume that, considering the age of Alfonso, Jackson touched him... But that's not the point. Point is Jackson learned his signature dance move from the guy famous for not being able to dance well.

A munchkin hung himself on the set of Wizard of Oz

Dwarfism is a fairly rare condition. And back in 1939 when they were called together to film The Wizard of Oz many of them had never even met another midget. What they found out upon meeting one another in a mass scale, was that they had more in common then their short limbs. They also all loved to party!
Every night after shooting the munchkins got completely pissed. 'Shmamered' if you will. Fraternizing together lead to many relationships and bonds being made. One particular paring involved a little person named David Connelly, and an unknown little lady. They started a romantic relationship, and David fell hard. A lot harder then his lady friend.
No one knows what happened. But at one particular Midget fest, the two had a falling out, and David left the party very upset.
The next day he wasn't seen on set... until they had filmed this particular scene.

See that thing swinging in the background of the scene? Thats David Connelly, a heart broken midget.

Die Hard was based on a true story.

The plot of Die Hard is John McClain an off duty police officer is stuck in a office building with a group of 'terrorist'. Shoeless, and armed primarily with his wit, John McClain must survive, and save the hostages, which include his estranged wife. Believe it or not, this story has its roots, lightly buried in the grounds of reality.
The true story takes place in Japan. Where Fu Nakatomi a off duty constable was accidentally invited to a party at an office building (Fu Nakatomi is a common name in Japan). Moments before Fu was to excuse himself from the party the room was stormed by the Asian Dawn terrorist group.
Fu, being the badass he was, was able to reason with the terrorist and have some of the hostages freed. When things appeared to go sour hours later, Fu was forced to kill a terrorist with his bare hands, and rush the remaining hostages to safety.
There is actually a few references to these true events in Die Hard. Such as the building in the film being called Nakatomi Tower, and the tong in cheek joke about the Asian Dawn terrorist organization.


Jackie Chan fakes his injuries.

We've all watched Jackie Chan movies, bubbling with anticipation for the end 'blooper' reel where we get to see Jackie Chan do his stunts and get carried away by paramedics. But have you ever wondered, how do they ever finish a movie if Jackie is constantly breaking every bone in his body?
Its simple... He doesn't actually break any of his bones. Jackie actually FAKES his injuries for the amusement of the audience. It started out as a gag, but spawned into a running gimmick, where Jackie would add lib injuries and then later have them cut into injury reels.
To take this out of the realm of urban legend (That I may have just made up). Lets talk about a strange FACT about Jackie Chan. Did you know that he started out as erotic film star? Its amazing to think that a former porn star would later on in life be the subject of a childrens cartoon.

Faker...

Steven Spielberg cut off a mans fingers.

To be fair it was an accident. On the set of Jaws Mr. Spielberg was showing off the giant robotic shark (Bruce) to some grips. He showcased the animatronic monsters movements while the men watched. Afterwords they were allowed to inspect the machines mechanics.
When one gentleman placed his hand inside the giant sharks mouth to inspect a system of pistons... well, Mr. Spielberg had this expression behind the control panel.
Deciding to give the grip a scare Steven closed the jaws of... Jaws, on the grips hand. Unfortunately for Steven and even more the grip, the robot sharks controls were a little fidgety. And it clamped down HARD onto the man's fingers, leaving him with four nubs and a thumb.
They rushed him to the hospital and sowed his fingers back on. Steven Spielberg footed the medical bills and the grip, though lacking some feeling, gained full motor functions.

 
For a while now I've wanted to watch old cartoons that I may have missed as a child, and present my thoughts of them here on my blog. I always figured I'd start with something in my wheel house of interest. Maybe 'Voltron', or 'Thundercats', something with a great deal of impact on geek culture... Instead I'm beginning with 'Rainbow Brite'.

Not only is 'Rainbow Brite' a girls cartoon, its a 'Hallmark' cartoon. Most cartoons in the 80's were actually half hour long commercials directed towards kids to sell toys. Rainbow Brite didn't start as a toy though, her roots were in greeting and gift cards.
Originally intended to combat the American Greetings franchise 'Strawberry Shortcake', 'Rainbow Brite' quickly found its own footing, developing a following among young girls, and people who love painfully cutesy shit.
Naturally success meant they had to expand with merchandising. Clothing, toys, live road shows, and a god damn television special, all got spewed out. Syndicated television is where I come in. There was 13 episodes of the Rainbow Brite cartoon. That's right, only 13! And thats including the television specials. But when I was searching up popular 80's cartoons, Rainbow Brite was all over the place. People loved that colourful little tart.
Being the curious guy I am, I had to check it out. I began with episodes 4-5. Since they are actually first when it comes to the continuity of 'Rainbow Brite'... Though I imagine 'Rainbow Brite' isn't exactly heavy when it comes to plot.

The story starts off terrifyingly... Not like real terrifying, but like... Disney terrifying. Its dark and gloomy, thunder echos through the land, when out of nowhere teleported to this land of darkness is Rainbow Brite.
Shes been sent there by God? I'm not sure who sends her there, but it certainly seems like God did it. Her quest is to find the sphere of light, so she can bring, “Colour and happiness” to all. She quickly realizes that not everyone in this land is interested in, “Colour and happiness”. And after a encounter with the rape trees from 'The Evil Dead', she runs into Twinky the sprite.
Question. Why do sprites/faeries and pixies always have to have such emasculating names? I'm 98% sure that Twinky is a dude. Maybe its a 'A Boy Named Sue' type situation. Like his Father wanted to toughen him up, so he named him Twinky. If that is the case, it didn't work, cause Twinky screeches in terror every second he gets.
They band together, as Rainbow Brite forces Twinky to risk his life for her, by constantly reminding him, “ITS MY QUEST!”, “BUT ITS MY QUEST TWINKY!”, “CALL QUEST TWINKY TO MEET HOT SINGLES!”

I feel like a slut for posting that... If only I was getting paid for it...

Anyway, Twinky and Rainbow, bumble through the horrors of this land without colour, and discover a bunch of frozen sprites, and a horse. Since little girls love horses, and Rainbow is a girl, shes naturally attracted to the animal.
The duo is attacked by a crazy ass vulture and for some unexplainable reason, the horse is resurrected and thawed. I'm just assuming that whenever something like this happens in Rainbow Brite God did it.
The horse of course can speak. Which surprises Rainbow. She wasn't surprised by the fuzzy sprite named after a hostess treat, or the talking trees that grabbed at her, but a talking horse? GET OUT OF HERE! Horses cant talk. That is of course, unless that horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

The horse is named Starlight and he does a better job then I could ever do describing himself. “I'm Starlight! The most wonderful Horse in the universe! Of course I can talk!”
Starlight, aside from telling us all how awesome he is all the time, informs us that Rainbow Brite needs to have the Colour Belt if she plans on defeating the evil King of Shadows and collecting the light sphere. This is where the plot gets so contrived it may as well be a video game. You have to collect this, to get this, to do this, and collect that, so you can open the door to that other thing so you can beat the final boss.
This is when we're introduced to the mandatory bumbling villain’s, Murk and Lurk. I have no idea which one is which. All I know is I like the one that looks like Snufflopicus. They are bumbling morons, who I think technically are mentally retarded. They attempt to stop the Rainbow crew but they screw it up... and by chance they stop the Rainbow crew... Huh? Yeah. They fail upward, by forcing Starlight the most awesome horse in the world, Twinky and Rainbow Brite into a river, full of piranha, towards some rapids.
It seems like they're about to A: drown, B: be smashed against rocks, or C: get eaten by fish. And after watching this episode four times now, I have to say, I'm hoping for 'all of the above' . What happens instead is they reach the shore and discover a baby wrapped in a cloth. They take this baby to a cave for shelter... This part concerns me. We have a child being taken care of by a little girl, a sprite named Twinky and a horse. It was scary enough when it was Tom Selleck, Steve Gutenberg, and Ted Danson.
Of course, the hand of god also placed the Colour belt in this random cave they chose to hide in. And thus episode four of Rainbow Brite Ends...

PART TWO

 
People always have something to bitch about in comic book movies. Collected here are the top five complaints about comic book movies that annoy me. Enjoy!


Giant Squid Monster

I'm here writing about 'Watchmen' without my copy of 'Watchmen' nearby. So bare with me if I get some facts wrong.
If you've seen the film 'Watchmen', you know in the end Ozymandias has framed Dr. Manhattan as a mass murder. This plot is tightly wrapped, very secure. All the pieces fall into place. The only problem? Its not what happened in the comics.
When ever an adaptation is made, a group of people get their panties in a bunch. This group is called, the fans. Fans usually are purest, and any changes are a slight not only against the property, but to them personally.
Example: “Kristen Stewart doesn't look anything like ME! She can't be Bella Swan.”
'Watchmen' has a huge fan base. And when it was announced that a film was being made, their pants not only bunched up, they were back drafted into their ass. People would not subtle for anything less then a exact adaptation, zero changes...
...Naturally they had to make some changes. Some for the better, some for the worse. But none got as much back lash as the ending (They changed the ending).
In the graphic novel, Ozymandias does not frame Dr. Manhattan, but instead frames a fictitious giant alien squid. The squid was designed and created by scientist and artist who believed it was for a Hollywood blockbuster.
To understand this, imagine Steven Spielberg on the set of 'Jurassic Park' had his crew create a super realistic T-rex, then killed them all. That's what Ozymandia's plan was. Its really not that big of a plot point, and I personally think the movies ending is better.
To most 'Watchmen' fans? The lack of Giant Squid Monster was the movies greatest flaw, and instantly made it shit. Which is retarded, it REALLY changes nothing in the plot. Its a superficial complaint, actually most complaints about comic book movies are superficial complaints.

Lack of costume

I'm going to admit something to you all. Its a personal belief of mine that you have to be tiny bit gay to be into wrestling, and super hero comics. Other wise, why would we be so into guys in flamboyant costumes? And comic fans are VERY picky about the costumes.
You'll get some serious backlash if your super hero movie isn't loyal to the costumes. Example, lots of people are against the new Spider-man reboot because of the costume. Lots of people were against the X-men films because of their lack of costumes. They didn't want those black leather costumes.They wanted this:

The fact is not all super hero costumes are suitable for reality. Bright yellow and blue doesn't translate well into film. Though 'X-Men First Class' did a great job mimicking the Jim Lee's yellow and blue uniforms from the 90's.
The X-men costumes are fine, but if some studios had it their way, many costumes would be altered to retarded levels. Example, Fox wanted Ben Affleck as Daredevil to NOT wear a mask. Famously Kevin Smith has told of his experiences writing a Superman sequel, where the producer (Jon Peters), didn't want Superman to wear a cape, or tights... or fly.
One of the greatest shames though is the Green Goblin in Sam Rami's 'Spider-man'. I liked the helmet version, but when I saw the test footage of the mask version? I fell in love.

Fans are picky though, and will bitch endlessly about every nitpick they can pinch between their fingers. Whether its the CGI, the costume or the characters RACE.

Changing Race


Lets go to 'the Hunger Games'. There is some character named Rue, who was black in the film and the fans were annoyed. Having not realized that Rue in the book was in fact black. Luckily racial ambiguity in comics isn't a problem since its a visual medium. And in the event that you aren't sure about a characters race, (for what ever reason), its easy to tell.
If a character is black, It'll be clear by their name. (Black Bolt, Black Panther, Bling, Brother Voodo ect). Some reason black characters don't hit it as big in comics. Maybe there is no real interesting black characters (since most are characterized by the fact they're not white), or maybe we're all just a bunch of racist.
The strange truth is, a lot of the black characters in comics, kind of need to be black. Most where made during the civil rights movement, and thus a African American super hero was quite poignant.
On the other hand, its not very crucial now a days that Peter Parker is white. He could easily be black, or Latin American, and his character would stay the same... Sadly, must people don't feel that way.
People are more enraged by a change in race then any change to plot or costume. There was serious backlash when Micheal Clark Duncan played the King Pin. There was great annoyance when Heimdall of Thor was black. And there was serious rage when a British Actor was cast as Superman.
How did all of this racially incorrect casting affect the quality of each of these films? Not at all. Comic fans just like to bitch and whine.
What is a personal nitpick of my mine is when the films affect the comics. Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) in the Marvel Ultimate Universe is not only black, but they requested that they base his design off of Samuel L. Jackson. Before that in the regular Marvel Universe (616), Nick Fury was white... At least for the 47 years leading up to the Avengers movie.
Now, for whatever reason, marvel was in love with their Ultimate Universe line for a while. Every video game based off a marvel character had the word 'Ultimate' wrenched into the title just for some kind of recognition. And the characters all wore their 'Ultimate' comics costumes... but retained all their 616 universe stories... Its all kind of confusing.
Regardless. 'The Avengers' movie needed a splash of colour beyond green, and Samuel L. Jackson was an obvious choice. Marvel worried they would confuse the general, none comic reading audience, when they decided to finally check out the source material and discover a white Nick Fury. So in their infinite wisdom they concocted a masterful plan.
It had been revealed that Nick Fury had at some point (Probably the 60s) splattered his seed into a sista. Meaning he had a illegitimate black son, named Marcus Johnson. In a mini series named 'Battle Scars'. Nick Fury retires... But not after Marcus loses his eye... here is the ending...

I'm looking for a word right now... and its not subtle.

Indian Slums & Adopted Joke

These last two are lumped together, since they're both kind of equally retarded, and both about the same movie. 'The Avengers'.
If you recall, early in the movie (I'm assuming everyone has seen it), we're introduced to Bruce Banner in what was apparently a Indian slum. He's using his medical knowledge to aid the sick there. Hes being a regular Norman Bethune... Except not a communist.
This scene didn't even register to me. I was just like, “Good Dr.Banner helping these poor sick people.” But India was just like, “Enough of this slum dog shit! We're not all that poor! We don't need fucking whites helping us!”... Yes I am paraphrasing slightly... honestly, only slightly. Also it helps if your read that line as if its being said by an angry Gerry Bednob.
Here is what I think. That 3 minute scene in 'The Avengers', didn't have people walking out of the theatre going, “Damn is India in the dumps.” By the end of 'The Avengers' people were to busy talking about the other 120 minutes. No one gives a shit about India, when their is a fucking giant green monster in the movie.
The second thing, was something that probably got a chuckle out of you in the theatre.

Thor: Have a care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard. And he is my brother.
Natasha Romanoff: He killed eighty people in two days.
Thor: He's adopted.

Everyone in my theatre laughed, or at least it sounded that way. Apparently there was a group of people out there whose pouting was over shadowed by the yuks of the audience. This small group was the adopted.
An adoption group was highly insulted by the adoption joke. They felt it was unnecessary that they should be reminded of the fact that their parents didn't want them. So insulted as they were they did what anyone would do. Started a petition.

As noted in a petition created by Jamie Berke on Change.org, “According to your scriptwriter, the fact (Loki) was adopted is the reason he is a bad guy!...Being adopted is not something to use for the butt of jokes! Marvel, immediately cease using adoption as the butt of jokes AND issue a public apology to the adoption community!”

Holy shit. Fuck you, you adopted shit heads. Do you not shower because your worried the water will damage your thin skin? First let me explain the joke to you adopted fucks.
The fact that Loki was adopted isn't the reason he was a bad guy, the reason he was a bad guy was the fact that he's a power hungry asshole. The reason Thor points out that Loki is adopted was to distance himself by making a point of the fact that they're technically not blood.
So fuck you, and your public apology. I hope marvel makes MORE jokes about adoption just so you'll continue crying. Cause news flash asshole. No one feels bad for the kids that were adopted. People feel bad for the kids that HAVENT been adopted.
And I'm willing to bet those kids weren't offended by the joke in 'the Avengers'... Mostly because they haven't heard the joke, since they don't have parents to take them to go see it.