Last year it was announced that 'The Simpons' was being cancelled. This news, created some conflicting feelings for me. I love 'The Simpsons', its always been there, but like a elderly pet, or annoying grandparent, its gotten to the point where I'm ready to put it down.
We later found out that the cancellation of 'The Simpsons', was just a tactic by Fox to pressure the voice actors to take a substantial pay cut. This pay cut has resulted in 'The Simpsons' getting renewed for two more seasons. Again, I have mixed feelings.
Like I said, the yellow faces of Springfield have been around for my whole life. I've watched the show weekly for 23 years... okay, lets be fair, I probably didn't cognitively watch it until I was like, four or five. Still though... a long ass time.
'The Simpsons' at the beginning, (as its own series, not on the 'Tracy Ullman show'), was a satirical slice of the American middle class. The early seasons of 'The Simpsons' were genius. Norman Rockwell, for the 90's, with a whole lot of yellow.
Over time though the show succumb to gimmicks and guest stars. There was frequent changes of showrunners, but it wasn't until the era of Mike Scully (season 9-12) that the golden age of the Simpsons ended.
That is not to say, there wasn't still good episodes, just not as frequently. There was a gradual change in the humour of the show. Witty, subtle, satire, grew into wacky out of this world humour, and ridicules slap stick. These different facets of humour were always present, but not always as prominent.
That's something about the show I have to acknowledge. The show never stopped being funny, it just stopped being... 'The Simpsons'. It lost its balance of humour and heart. You watch a modern episode of 'The Simpsons', and the first ten minutes of the show are a write off. Its just random gags, that distracts from the plot. The episode starts, and from what the first 8 minutes suggest, you think episode is about, Apu being annoyed by Homer shopping at a different chain of grocery stores. Even the episodes title suggest it... but really its a episode about street artist Banksy, made... like a year after Banksy was popularized on the internet.
The problem with 'The Simpsons', is that its attempting to be topical. People compare the show to 'Family Guy'. People like to say that the show is trying to be like 'Family Guy'. But I don't buy that. I think that someone influential said it, everyone thought, 'that sounds like smart, critical thinking... perfect bandwagon to jump on.'
No, the show isn't much like 'Family Guy', no more then 'Family Guy' was like 'The Simpsons'. Cause if you recall, 'Family Guy' was originally called a rip-off of 'the Simpsons'. Either way, I think 'The Simpsons' is more like 'Saturday Night Live', or 'South Park'. Both shows are topical comedies, and in the case of 'SNL', there is a reliance on guest stars, and musical guest. This doesn't work for 'the Simpsons', because unlike those other shows I mentioned, an episode of 'the Simpsons' isn't produced in a week. It takes 6 to 8 months to produce a finished episode of the Simpsons. You know what that means? Those “awesome” topical episodes, are dated. And thus... not actually topical.
If this season of the Simpsons had ended up being the last, do you know what the last episode would have been?

Springfield is rated the town with the lowest self-esteem, so Lisa and Lady Gaga set out to raise everyone's spirits—through the power of a flash mob. 

First off, it would have been a Lisa episode. Second. Remember how last year flash mobs were cool? Well its not last year anymore. And to a lesser degree, as a member of the general audience, I care even less about Lady Gaga then I did when she first bleeped onto my radar.
Lady Gaga, is not how the show should have ended. We have two seasons left, why not make them count? Bring back past writers and show runners. Lets hear all the different voices this series had again, and bring back some of that gold. This series should end with fireworks, it shouldn't drift off into the night quietly.
The last Sunday night this show airs, should have EVERYONE, with their asses bolted to their seats, watching the triumphant finish of one of the greatest shows ever made.

UPDATE:
I just finished watching the episode, LISA GOES GAGA. And I have to say... Its probably the worse episode of the season.
The description given for the episode isn't even accurate. Lady Gaga, raises Springfield’s sprites by singing a 2 and half minute song about how, “Were all special, in our own way!” You know, contrived bull shit like that. But Lisa is still sad, since shes been voted most unpopular kid at school.
So Gaga, who has psychic abilities to predict unhappiness... For real... decides she must help Lisa. The flash mob in the description is a lame 30 second gag. The episode is an awful,PR stunt by Gaga. One of the easiest demographics to get a hold of, is the downtrodden. Just faking you give a shit, is enough to satisfy the masses.
This episode was so shallow. Sincerity was so vacant from this episode, it was painful to watch. Its the problem with having a guest star. You couldn't do an episode putting down Lady Gaga, and expect her to actually lend her voice to it. You have to build up your guest stars like they're fucking gods. And its SO annoying.
Its something 'South Park' has always gotten right. Do awful impersonations of celebrities, and really take the piss out of them. This episode was just pure trash, but at least it started a plot line and kept going with it.
The second last episode of the season, NED'N EDNA'S BLEND, starts with a SIX AND A HALF MINUTES! of Homer getting the role in the church passion play as Jesus, Homer worrying he may not remember his lines, Homer doing the play, and Homer accidentally injuring Ned, which leads to the reveal of Ned and Edna are married.
WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE FIRST SIX MINUTES! IT DOES NOTHING! Its pure filler, that has nothing to do with the actual plot of the episode. Its frustrating. GOD DAMMIT! Pick a narrative, and stick with it.




 
Picture
I've mentioned at least on two occasions, that I have a hate for He-man. He was my hero, then I realized he was a dweeb of the highest order. Lets examine He-Man, and his alter ego, Prince Adam.
Lets begin with the hair cut. Its tough to have shoulder length hair, and come off as a bad ass. There are a few examples. Riggs from Lethal Weapon, Snake Plissken, Chewie.
Prince Adam though, is just holding himself back with that do. He's setting himself up for an up hill battle, the moment he pulls out his scissors, and cuts his bangs straight.
Lets move to that thing his hair is framing... His face. The animation in He-Man used a technique called, 'Rotoscope'. Where Animators take live action film, and draw over it. Giving their characters very realistic movements.
This technique didn't extend to He-man's facial features, though. He is nearly expressionless. Fucking Kristen Stewart can emote more then He-man.
Lets get back to those movements. Rotoscope is awesome, He-Man's movements are spot on, unfortunately his 'moves' are lame. The dude has a sword, he has a super, sweet sword. Does he use it ever? Of course not, that would only make him a bad ass.
Frankly, He-Man had one hope to over come his hair cut, and it was slicing off limbs with his magic sword. But no! He hardly even punches the bad guys. What he does is... Grapples. He hikes up his fuzzy undies, and wrestles, or, if I may, 'r'astles'.
He-Mans number one tactic is, pick up his enemy, raise them high above his head, (Or 'a loft') and throws them. Which is impressive, I can agree on that. Its a heck of display of strength, it blows my mind when figure skaters do it. But he's a warrior of good, not a member of the icecapades.
Week, after week, he is attacked by Skeltor and his cronies. Week, after week, Greyskull is in danger. But he wont even punch the guys. He tosses them away, which again is impressive, but not a permanent solution, its just a rough inconvenience. Its the move your dad used on you when rough housing in a pool, (rough pooling?).
Anyway, do you know what he does instead with his magic Sword? Prince Adam holds it; 'a loft'. Which is a wieners way of saying, 'above my head'. And uses it's magic to turn him into the all powerful, He-Man. What does this transformation in-tale? Does he get bigger? Does his hair go spiky, and begin to defy gravity? Does he get adorned with some kind of Senti armour?
Nope. Nope. And nope! He sheds his clothing, and dresses up as some kind of... Sexual degenerate? ...With Nazi sympathies? Look at him! He wants to lure you down to his sex dungeon, and brand you with his Iron Cross!

Its bad enough that Prince Adam prances about in purple tights, with fuzzy uggs and matching undies, but to strip down into S&M wear? Thats just messed. Even more messed up thing is, thats the trend in Eternia. Barely covered, muscly men, in fuzzy undies and uggs. The difference is, and I can't believe I'm saying this... Some of the guys can pull it off.
Picture
If your face is nothing but a fucking skull? You can wear what ever the fuck you want, and look bad ass. Its scientific fact that skulls instantly make something metal, and thus, bad ass.
Even his supporting cast sucks! When He-Man/Prince Adam's not r'astling topless with the boys, he hangs out with Cringer, his cowardly Tiger, who is a cross between Scooby-doo and the cowardly lion. Cringer is such a pussy, in every sense, that he seems to be self aware to the point that he experiences stage fright, and stutters out every goddam line of dialogue.
Then there is Man-at-arms... who I think moon lights as the head singer to a fantasy version of the village people. I mean look at him, he has a flavour savour, cum catching mustache. He belongs in a gay porno, not a children's cartoon.


Picture
Cringer and Man-at-arms, are joined in the fraternity of people who know Prince Adams secret... (I mean the other secret, the fact that he's He-Man), by Orko. A wizard who fails frequently at casting spells... I actually like Orko. Hes silly, he's stupid, he buy's his clothing at the same place as Alvin of the Chipmunks. He's cool in my book.
Filling in the obligatory role of 'female', we have Tee-la. Who, unlike those past three, isn't aware of Prince Adam's Secret... Neither of them I'm sure, cause she seems to have a thing for him.
Tee-la is sort of the Louis Lane of the show. Prince Adam disappears, and He-Man magically shows up. Then at the end of the 22 minute toy commercial, when Prince Adam 're appears' wink, wink. She then says, “Oh Adam! You just missed He-Man.”... Shes a retard. You're a goddam grown woman, and you can't see through this disguise? They have the exact same body type and everything! They even carry identical swords! The only difference is He-Man's voice slightly, echos.
At least, according to the comics, Superman changes his voice to the point that its completely different, and he slouches, to appear weak. Fuck Superman even changes his hair cut. He-Man could instantly benefit from doing the same thing. Change your hair, gain bad ass points AND secure your secret identity.
The only thing He-man has going for him, is he has some cool allies who guest appear once and a while. Like Fisto and Ram Man... Oh shit. I don't want to think of what He-Man, Fisto and Ram-Man do when they're alone.

 

I saw this pop up on a few peoples facebooks today. Its mildly amusing I guess. People are digging it, ragging on the 'younger generation', saying all the kids shows now a days pale in comparison to ours, kids have no idea what quality is, and have no common sense. You know... all the stuff our parents said to us.

I want to cover a few things first. Regarding the glorification of the 'good old days', and nostalgia. People don't seem to realize that the reason we think kids shows now a days suck, is (Ready to be shocked) because we aren't kids.
If I was 10 years old, I'd probably watch the shit out of 'Ben 10'. Fuck, based on my interest, Amazon.ca is constantly recommending it to me on DVD.
We enjoyed our cartoons when we were kids, because all kids are retarded. We like stupid crap, and the only reason most of us don't realize it was stupid crap, is because we don't remember it all that well. Like I said when talking about 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles', most people haven't seen the cartoon in like... 15 years. You don't care about the cartoon, you care about your memories of the cartoon.

I'm very in touch with my inner child, not in a creepy way, but in a geeky way. I still watch my old favourite cartoons from time to time. And some of them hold up, I still very much enjoy G1 Transformers, 'Real Ghostbusters', 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles', and 'X-men'. I own them on DVD, or at least a season or two. And not because of pure nostalgia, but because these cartoons, hold up for me. I still enjoy them. And I also like some modern cartoons, like 'Avengers: Earths Mightest Heroes', or 'Young Justice'. I watch them weekly, and I enjoy them thoroughly.
Then there is 'He-Man and The Masters of the Universe'... I loved that cartoon when I was younger. I was constantly playing 'He-man' all the time. I learned to read through 'Masters of the Universe' books. I used to have them all, but I lost most of them through time. And the cartoon, was so epic and action packed! It was awesome... Until I reviewed a few episodes of the series, and realized it was awful. It was crap. One of our childhoods BIGGEST icons, sucked...
Anyway, I'm getting off topic, like usual.
,
I mostly want to talk about the main idea of that poster up above. 'Kids just don't have no common sense now a days'. Hmm... Well lets look at few things, like what is common sense? The idea of common sense is that, there are things that are apart of 'common experience', that become common sense.
It is common sense that you don't cover your hand in lighter fluid, and set a match to it, right?
Cause fire burns, we learn this pretty easily. We either are told repeatedly, don't put your hand in fire or you'll burn yourself, OR we do it and get burned.
A harsh lesson learned. Fire fucking hurts. Suspend your disbelief for a moment, and tell me... what would someone in a culture thats never encountered fire do, if they saw an open flame for the first time? They'd look at it, and probably think, 'Whats that?... kind of wonder what it taste like.'
Of course before they got that flame near their mouth, they'd be burned, because FIRE FUCKING HURTS.
Is this man a retard, for not having the 'common sense' to not eat fire? Or is that just not part of his 'common sense'? Cause I bet he knows a few things you don't.
'Common sense' is over blown. Since it assumes their is a common experience, our lives are closely related, but common sense does not extend beyond our natural experiences. Everything else is learned! Something may be common with in your community, or your home, but not to EVERYONE, because we all have different experiences.
Some kids know not to bug daddy when hes drinking, I mean, its common sense right? You'll get smacked. Or, its common sense that you don't swim in 'Little Lake', because well... the waters dirty, how do the tourist not know that? And it is common sense that you look for land mines when you walk into a rice field... I mean? You'd be stupid not to... Do you see what I'm getting at?
So are kids retarded? No. They're inexperienced, because they have not experienced a hell of a lot.

To get back to the poster again. The majority of the Road Runner cartoons were made between 1949-1966. In which case, this cartoon technically isn't from our generation, its from most of our parents generation. And to delve deeper into that... When those cartoons aired, there was a different idea of what 'common sense' was.
Back in the 1950's George Reeves played Superman. During his live appearances, Superman... I mean George. Would be punched, kicked and legend has it, almost shot by kids, who were confused about who he really was. Because to them, it was 'common sense' that if someone is constantly saying “I'm superman!” he must REALLY be Superman. And in the 60's cartoon, you may notice that the 'Fantastic Four' consisted of, Mr. Fantastic, the Invisible Woman, The Thing, and Herbie the robot.
A lack of 'Human Torch', why? Well... the tv executives were concerned that kids would cover themselves in gasoline and flame themselves on. Which would be a problem, because as I've discussed twice already FIRE FUCKING HURTS!
Really though, if you want to break it all down. There is nothing retarded about our generation, or the generation below us... Its our parents generation, they're retarded.

 
PART THREE

Number 5

“Where do I even get comics?”


The answer to this may seem obvious. You get comics, at a comic shop. Here is a little confession. I have never bought a comic book from a comic shop. I've bought from book stores, flea markets, venders, and convince stores. But 90% of my comics have come from the internet.

Amazon.ca is my comic book provider. I bought from Amazon because I come from a small town where there was no Comic shop. And its just so simple to put my list together months in advance, and place my order when it comes around.




Number 6.

'I don't even know what comics I'd like.'


Did you watch 'the Dark Knight', and did you enjoy it as much as I think you did? Then... why not read Batman? Here is the thing, YOU KNOW these characters, YOU KNOW their origins. You know from years of watching the cartoons, and seeing the movies, that Peter Parker was bit by a radioactive spider. You already know what you'll like as far as super heroes are concerned.

But if you're into horror stories, or scifi, what do you read? This is where I give you... recommendations.

RECOMMENDATIONS!

If you're interested in horror stories, I recommend, well... 'Walking Dead'. Most of you have probably seen the show, so... why not read the comic? Its different, and in my opinion better then the show. Or check out, though it may be hard to find, Bryan Johnson's 'Karny'. Its creepy, and funny at the same time.

If you're interested in good old straight up crime stories, I recommend 'Frank Millers Sin City', in particular, volume 7 'Hell and Back' its my personal favorite.
Or, the anthologyish series, '100 bullets'. The plot of '100 bullets' is simply cool. The mysterious Agent Graves approaches people that have been wronged in some way, and hands them a pistol and 100 untraceable bullets. He then instructs them that they may get revenge on those that wronged them, with zero consequence. '100 Bullets' is in the process of being collected in large deluxe hard covers.
I also here great things about Jason Aarons 'Scalped', which I have yet to read.

If you want a hardcore crime series, check out Garth Ennis's 'Punisher Max.' Its awesome, start with 'Punisher Born' and move onto 'In the beginning' These a HIGHLY mature books. Not for kids. If you want a more super hero oriented book, I recommend either Greg Rucka's Punisher series, which has just released its first hard cover.

Super hero books, are what we first think when we hear comics. Like I said before, DC has relaunched its universe with the New 52. If you want to get into any of the DC characters, now is the time. Marvel is a little more complicated.
My current Marvel recommendations, are Greg Rucka's Punisher, Mark Waid's 'DareDevil' and Jason Aaron's 'Wolverine'. Other then that, there is a ton of big events at marvel you can pick from. 'House of M', 'Civil War' ect. You can pick them up, and read them as just epic block busters if you like. Or of course, go back and read some Essential volumes. Just start with volume 1 of what ever an read.

If you want more detailed recommendations, I'll be happy to give them. But I'm willing to bet there is a lack of interest in this topic, so next blog post we'll just move on to my old regular stuff. Until then, please, pick up a comic, and give it a try.

 
Number 4

“There is so many comics, where do I even start?”

When you're reading a book, or watching a TV series, its natural to think that you should start at the beginning. Comics are continuous stories, a lot of which started a long time ago. So its daunting to think that you have to some how read issue one of Batman. But with comics you don't have to start at the beginning.


OPTION 1

Comics try to be easy to jump into for new readers, every comic now a days pretty much starts with a recap page, explaining what you need to know to follow the story. Really, you can just buy an issue, and just keep on buying them, and in time, you'll be IN the story. Or even get the back issues to catch yourself up.

OPTION 2

OR like I explained before, get collected editions. Remember those cheap, packed with nearly 30 issues collected editions I was talking about? Well at Marvel Comics they are called 'Essentials.' DC calls them 'Showcases'. They're big, made of cheap news print, and are in black and white.
That's what kills it for most people, the fact that they are black and white. But 'Essentials' and 'Showcases' collect EVERYTHING. If you want the story from the beginning, that is where you can start.

If black and white is a deal breaker for you, which I understand, some books don't look the greatest without the colour. Then I recommend 'Marvel Masterworks' or 'Dc Archives'. Which are colour collected editions. They're more expensive, but so is printing colour.

OPTION 3

Lets get a little more complicated. You want to read newer stories, that aren't collected in 'Masterworks' or 'Archives'. Then get Trade Paper Backs or Hard Covers. What ones do you get? Just a little bit of research is needed. Go to wikipedia, type in the title you're interested in reading into the search, and scroll down... there. That shows you what issues are collected, in which volumes. Its easy.

OPTION 4

If that's to much work, and you're lazy. Then lets go SUPER simple. Read a series... with a beginning and end. Pick up a graphic novel! You don't have to read a long series, you can read something that has a straight and narrow narrative, with no shared universe, where you have EVERY detail you need to know, contained in the single book.

A great option for this, is Japanese comics, known as Manga. Japanese comics are rarely in shared universes, and are usually contained in single books. You can read them like a series of novels in collected editions. Not sure where to start there? Well the first volume, would be the volume with the number one on it.

THE FACTS

If you want to jump onto any DC titles, now is the time. DC recently relaunched their titles, they've essentially rebooted their entire universe. The first collected editions of this relaunch are just coming out. This is literally a starting point... except for Batman. Apparently parts of Batman's continuity are still intact. Which parts? I may cover that later on.

Getting into a Marvel published book? A little tougher. Marvel has a completely uninterrupted continuity... with the exception of Spider-Man... which is complicated, and I may cover that in the future. Where should you start it? Really depends on which character you're interested in reading. That is something that I will cover later, in PART THREE when I give some recommendations.

 
The Avengers RANT

Saw the Avengers yesterday. When the movie started, I couldn't stop smiling. I was legitimately excited. Did it live up to my excitement? Oh my god, yes. The Avengers, aside from being one of the best super hero movies ever made, is one of the best action movies movies ever made.

This is the genius thing about the Avengers, it has 90% of exposition already done before the movie even starts! Meaning? This frees 90% of the movie up just to be FUN. But at the same time, rewards you for having seen the other Marvel studios films.

Watching the movie without having seen the solo movies, I'd imagine wouldn't be as gripping, but just as exciting. Every character in this movie has a moment, every character in the movie actually has a sub plot that carries them through the movie.

Remember how the X-men movies were chalk full of characters, but the only one that had much to do (aside from the melodrama of Iceman and Rougue), was Wolverine? There is non of that in the Avengers. Ironman despite having the dominant, outgoing personality, doesn't steal the show.
I don't want to spoil anything, but I have to say, this is how a team movie should be done. And Joss Whedon NEEDS to get more movies made. I love Whedon. I love Buffy, I love Firefly, his 'Astonishing X-men' run was amazing. 'Cabin in the Woods' is probably in my top ten favourite movies. He should not only be responsible for Avengers 2, he should be handed another marvel property.

This movies story is essentially an alien invasion story, but with Super Heroes. Which makes a world of difference, since alien invasion stories are so typical.
And there is all the cliches and conventions of a comic book in there too. With the heroes first meeting and having conflict, and the--... well if you don't read comics, these conventions would be spoilers. There was a moment in this movie where I knew exactly what was going to happen, but the people I was with were amazed. So I don't want to spoil anything.

I just want to say, Mark Rufflo's Hulk was as good, if not better then Ed Nortons. And I want to see him, play the Hulk in a film of his own. Its just... its just really good. The whole movie.
I didn't sit down to write a proper review obviously. I just wanted to get it out there, that this movie is amazing. I enjoyed it a lot. Hope that came across in these ramblings.

 

I don't know what I hate more. Moving or job hunting. Moving is a little more physically demanding, but job hunting is psychologically demanding. But at least while job hunting there is no couches involved. Fuck I hate moving couches. So long, and awkwardly shaped, never want to fit through doors properly. If they weren’t so damn comfortable, I'd organize burnings.


Anyway, its been a week since I've had consistent updates. So I've decided that this is the perfect time for me to... fill up your time?
Here is the deal. Films, tv shows and video games have ALWAYS been more popular with the general audience then the comics themselves. Let me put things in perspective for a moment. 'The Dark Knight' made 1billion dollars at the box office. Lets say, for simplicities sake, that the average amount to see a movie is 10 bucks. That is a 100 million people who saw 'The Dark Knight' in theatre. In DC's new 52 relaunch, 'The Dark Knight #1' Comic sold 109,321 copies. Why? Why are people so open to the idea of watching a Batman movie, but not read the comic? Well, there are many explanations.

1.Comics are lame, and for kids. (have to be diehard)
2.Comics are to much of a commitment of time.
3.Comics cost to much.
4.There is so many comics, where do I even start?
5.Where do I even get comics?
6.I don't even know what comics I'd even like.

These, are all valid reasons for the most part, I get that it is an intimidating hobby to get into on the fly. But guess what, I'm here to help you.

Number 1.

“Comics are Lame and for Kids.”

What a bunch of horse shit! You're a fucking dumb ass if you think this is true. Read 'Chronicles of Wormwood' and tell me comics are for kids. Oh wait. You’re an ignorant non comic reading fuck so you'd never read it. So how about I just tell you about it.

There is a scene in 'Chronicles of Wormwood', where the Pope, is being fucked in the ass, by a nun wearing a strap on... Yeah, give that to your nephew as a gift at his first communion.
Or even, 'Pride of Baghdad', which features a group of lions who escape from the Baghdad zoo during the opening assault by American troops. Its like Lion King sort of, except you know... with Lion rape.

There are comics for kids, teens, and adults... and for sexually charged adults. Everything from Disney to 'Two Girls One Cup' is covered in the funny books. Or, even something like... I don't know 'The Walking Dead'. Does anything about that show seem like its for children?

Here is some comic book knowledge. Most mainstream comics are for a PG 13 audience, to appeal to both adults and kids. Its actually my understanding, that the all ages market for comics is struggling to stay alive.

People who read comics when they were 14, back in 1968, kept on reading comics. They are now 44 years old. They're not interested in reading Super Hero Squad. They loved Adam West as Batman, running around with Burt Ward, but now, as middle aged men, they want Christian Bale.

There are a million comics that appeal to adults. But on the off chance that you're looking for comics for kids. Based on reputation, I can say that 'Archie Comics: Sonic the Hedgehog' is super popular, but I'd also recommend 'Archie Comics: Megaman', or anything from PaperCutz or BOOM! Studios children books. I can highly recommend, based on experience 'Darkwing Ducks' current series is very enjoyable.

But if we're talking about kids a little more mature, or kids that would appreciate more complex narratives, then I recommend older issues of... well any super hero comic. Old issues of Spider-Man, or Batman are excellent for kids.


Number 2.

“Comics are to much of a commitment of time.”

A comic book movie can range anywhere from an hour and half too two hours. 'The Amazing Spider-man' is in its late 600's. You can't be expected to read all that obviously, though I can applaud you for wanting to... and... I will explain how you can easily and cheaply later. Right now I'm going to be realistic.

Comics, like any hobby, takes a degree of time commitment. It took time to read 'Hunger Games', or 'Game of Thrones'. Most video games are around 40 hours long. You have to schedule in time to sit down and watch 'Breaking Bad' or 'Walking Dead'. Heck, 'Smallville' based around the Superman mythos, lasted ten seasons, a wide audience was committed to watching it each week, for ten years.

Laziness, is a lazy excuse. Yes, comic books do require, if you buy issue to issue, that once a month you buy a chapter. Also requires some research, and a little “general” knowledge. You don't have to read every issue of Spider-man to understand what is happening in Spider-man. But it doesn't hurt to read his Wiki page.


Number 3.

“Comics cost to much.”

Comics used to cost like 5 to 10 cents, this is back in the day when you could get a blowie for a penny. It was a golden age... for comics, not blow jobs.
Now a days, a single issue of a marvel comic in Canada, cost around 5 bucks, and 5 bucks a month is reasonable, but people hardly ever read a single comic title, so four titles? Thats 20 bucks a month, can be kind of costly... But not really.

And it can get even cheaper. I spend a different amount each month, since I collect my comics in hard cover books, or trade paper backs. This means a few things. It means that I'm months behind in stories, so I have to traverse the internet carefully or I may spoil the stories for myself. Also means I have to wait patiently for the next volume to be released.

Trade paper backs/Hard Covers can range anywhere from 15-40 bucks, some omnibus are a lot more, like 80-100, but don't worry about that. Generally collected editions, collect anywhere from 4-30 issues.
That's right, you can get 30 issues for 15$. 30 issues that individually cost around 5$. Don't make me do the math. Its obvious that is pretty cheap. I'll talk about those, cheap collections soon, actually I'll talk about the bonuses to reading collected editions period in a little.

There is also comics on disc that cost, around 50 bucks. Example of this is '44 Years of Fantastic Four' which collects 550 issues. Only problem with this is you don't PHYSICALLY have the books. But you have to understand that the issues collected are a lot of the time is really rare. And as we learned in my first blog post, rare comics can cost a LOT of money.

The point is that comics don't need to cost that much. You can read comics cheaply, or I don't know... for free on the internet. There are plenty of web comics with just as much depth and excitement as any comics on the shelves. And I'll get to them later on as well...


END OF PART 1

 
In case people are wondering.

On the off chance that the people that visit my site are, “loyal” followers. I think its my responsibility to inform you that, as you may have noticed. There was no 'Out of Beat' this week, and there is no 'The Return'.

This is because there is currently going to be a slight hiatus on the blog, and a longer hiatus of 'The Return'. This is in part, due to the fact that I'm not only in the process of moving to Toronto, but also MC'ing a wedding. But also I need to make a larger back log of 'The Return' before moving forward. To keep you all interested though, here is a few things to POSSIBLY look forward to in the future.

In the blog, I'd really like to talk more about Comics. I've always been very critical of Films and Television, but never much of comics. This probably has a lot to to do with the fact that I've never really had anyone to talk to about comics. Speaking of which, I want to encourage people to READ comics. So I may do a blog or two on how to get into reading comics.
Also subjects of nostalgia are always hot tickets. So I may jump back in time, and revisit, over analyze, and critique some old cartoons. Any excuse to watch 'Samurai Pizza Cats' really. Its also safe to say there will be more 'top fives', on subjects personal, and subjects universal.

Regarding the comics. I have a pretty big back log of 'Out of Beats', and a lot of 'The Return' is written, a fair bit is pencilled, I just need to get around to inking, and lettering the pages.

That is all for now. I'll try to pick up again some time next week, thank you for being patient, and even more, thank you for reading. Also, any feedback you may have to improve the site, likes or dislikes, feel free to included to them in the comments below.






 
I have slight hoarder tendencies. I own a LOT of crap, some of which serves no purpose. I have drawers full of loose sheets of paper, with scribbled notes, and drawings, and blank sheets... I have plans for them. I swear some day I'll use them.
I develop personal relationships with the strangest things, so quickly, its embarrassing. This has lead to me not only having lots of general shit, but some particularly weird shit.

Number 5

Starting with the least weird, is something I picked up while staying at Super 8 motel. My buddy discovered it in the washroom while releaving himself. And when he showed it to me we quickly debated about who would get to keep it, since it was, to us, hilarious. I've had this item for 3 years now, posted on my wall of random shit.

That item is a long paper bag, labelled in a wispy pink font, as being for, the 'disposal of famine products'. Like I said, I've had it for 3 years, and I feel its the least weird thing on this list.

Number 4

I remember when I was younger I had this magazine from when the Spawn movie came out in 1997... Okay I still have that magazine. But that’s not the item in question. Through out that magazine was pages full of Spawn toy adds, which I loved perusing. I never bought a single Spawn Toy, but I looked at them all the time. OFF TOPIC TIME!

You know how on the back of action figure boxes, they always had their catalogue of figures? Basically a big add for the other toys you could buy. Well I'd always open the action figure boxes super carefully, so that I could keep the adds and look at the toys. One time I bought, what I remember being a 'Transformer' toy, and I had kept the back of the packaging.
I figured my mom wouldn't understand why I wanted to keep it, so I hid it away from prying eyes, under my television stand. Periodically I'd sneak a peek at the toy adds, like I was sneaking a peek at a play boy, then slide it back under.
One day I got home from school and went for my dirty little secret, and it was gone. My mom must of found it while cleaning, and threw it away. I was so sad. THE END

Anyway! The Spawn movie magazine also had adds for movie character cut outs. Mostly Star Wars characters. I was so into the idea, of not just having a life size Chewie, in my room, but ANY superhero, or movie character at all! This interest in owning a cut out proceeded with me long after. And three years ago, that dream of having a cut out came true...

Yep... I have not only a life size cut out of, Savage Lion Man, but Social Savage Lion man. He watches me sleep. Its slightly unnerving, when I forget about him at night, and walk into room only to see a shirtless man in the shadows. I often call out, “John Stamos?” but its never him. Its just the Lion Man. Always, just the Lion Man.

Number 3

You watch enough cheap science fiction, you become pretty accustomed to hearing, stock sound effects. The same old, laser sounds, and Wilhelm Screams.
Have you ever wonder how they make those sounds of the universe? Do they have some kind of 'Ultimate Cosmic sound machine?' or something?... Well yes they do, its called a 'Zube Tube', or in layman’s terms, a 'cardboard tube with a spring inside.'


Here is a demo reel:

My Zube Tube, was given to me by a former tenet, who found it in the trash. Why would anyone throw out something so fantastically awesome? I have no idea. Because making noise is not only fun, it appeals to everyone!... Except the deaf, I guess it wouldn't appeal to them...

Number 2

Our minds are funny things. We love to find patterns, in things that have no patterns, and see things that aren't there. Most notably we love to see faces. Its the thing we're most accustomed to seeing, being that we're humans.

I think the second thing we most often identify is probably... genitals. Our minds love to find dicks and vagina's where there are none. Look at your hard wood floor, and tell me you don't see a vagina in the grain, or look at a vegetable garden, and tell me its not just a bunch of, dirt covered cocks. We all love, faces and genitals.

One day, my friend, and I, were watching television, and eating delicious Cheetos. When I requested that he huck one across the room to me. I had no idea what I was in for. What landed in my hand was not a Cheeto. It could only be described as... a Pheeto. As in, a Cheeto, shaped like a penis and balls.
Neither one of us could bring ourselves to eat the damn thing. Either out of respect for it, or the fear of being called gay. I know if he ate it, I'd immediately lambaste him for being a 'Little orange cock eater.”
Regardless, the Pheeto was sealed away into an air tight bag, and has for ever been in my care... for going on five years now. And I have no intentions of getting rid of it. I'd eat my cat, before I ate it.

Number 1

You know those horror stories, where people order a big mac, bite in, and theres a severed finger in their sandwich? Or people bite into a chicken finger, and there is a bit of beak in it? Well... something like that happened to me, and for some strange reason... I kept what I found, AND finished what I was eating.

I once bit into a chicken ball and... out from it popped... this BIG, OLD, CHICKEN!... feather. Yeah it was weird... Never being one to complain about food,(especially since I know this particular restaurant doesn't make the chicken balls, they order them frozen, then cook them),
I just put the feather in my hat, and called it macaroni. Then soldiered on eating my Americanized Chinese food.
I actually placed the feather in a small salt packet, and carried it around with me for a few days, showing it to whomever would listen.

When I grew bored of it, I couldn't simply throug it away. I had grown attached to the little guy, we had gone through so much. So it now rest in air tight bag, on my wall, of random shit.

I'm actually going to ask a question this week, to anyone that is reading. What is the weirdest thing you own? Where did you get it? Why do you still have it?

 
Every great horror movie should have that cryptic stranger who knows whats going on. That guy that in the beginning hints of things to come. That guy who screams 'You're Doomed!' at the cast of cannon fodder.
I love that guy. I've secretly always wished that I was that guy. Anyway, Its my birthday, the last thing I usually write is actually the intro. So I'm not going to waste much more time. So here is my top five, un edited (so ignore the glaring errors of grammar((lol))) Here is my top five “You're Doomed!” guys.

Ripley – Aliens

Most 'You're Doomed' guys are minor characters, who make only a momentary appearance. They get in, lament about how fucked you're going to be, and get out. Its their job to act as a trailer for things to come. You have no idea who they are, or how they know what they know. The only thing you can be sure of, is that they're right.
None of that applies for Ripley, cause not only is she the 'You're Doomed' guy of 'Aliens', she's also the main character.

In the first movie we see the crew of the Nostromo systematical killed off by the Xenomorph (The Alien of 'Alien')... Now I'm going to avoid spoilers for most of these movies, but I don't think that saying Ripley survives 'Alien' is a spoiler, since... well, there was four sequels starring her.
At the start of 'Aliens' (The sequel is just a multiple of the first), we hear Ripley giving a few speeches about how the Xenomorph is super dangerous, and that it should be avoided at all cost! You'd be mad to go anywhere near it!
She then goes on to ignore her own warning and proceeds to go straight for it! Now, I know there was more to it. But, this is a very unique duality to the character, she fills not only the role of the warner, but also the dumb ass that ignores the warning!

Ol' Judd – Pet Semetery

The best 'You're Doomed' guy is usually, old, and wise, with knowledge of a dark past, that is bound to repeat itself.
O'l Judd of 'Pet Semetery' (intentionally spelt wrong), is exactly that. Except... that dark past he knows about? That wouldn't have actually repeated itself if he had just kept his old hick mouth shut. But you know how the elderly are, they just like to have someone to talk to.
Judd blabbers about the mystic Indian burial ground to his neighbour Lou, and they even bury Chruch their cat there. The results are a psycho zombie kitty! Lou asks, “Has anyone ever buried a person up there?”
O'l Judd expands on the story, telling him, “Some times, dead is better.” But this warning, again, would not of been needed, if O'l Judd had just shut the fuck up! Why blabber about the evil, Native American, burial ground, in your back yard? Old people that talk like that get put in the home! Way to drop the ball Judd.

I didn't want to spoil the movie, even though its been out for years. So instead of a clip of Judd I have the Music Video for the film. I haven't watched it, so I'm just assuming the video is spoiler free...

Randy – Scream

The first 'Scream' is not only is a great slasher movie, but its also a top notch comedy. Mostly since every single character in the movie is aware of the conventions of slasher movies. Especially, Randy, who may not be old, but he is defiantly wise beyond his years... well at least, wise beyond his own movie.
Randy sets up the 'rules' of the genre, for everyone. Which essentially is a serial killer check list.

Had loads of sex? Your dead.
Drink and/or do drugs? Your dead.
Say you'll be back? Your dead.

The rules of the slasher movie are put in place because slashers are supposed to be fun, we don't want to see people we LIKE be mutilated, that’s no fun. So bullies, drug addicts, and fornicaters are the targets. Are those people evil, and deserving of death? No. But they go against social norms.
Slasher movies are extremely conservative for that reason... I mean, yes, the Friday the 13th movies showed a lot of boobs, which seems liberal. But this liberal behaviour is always met with death, and Randy makes sure we know this.



See that? Randy is so on the ball, his mind so far out of his own movie, and thus beyond his own existence, he even implicates himself as murderer.


Addie – American Horror Story

When I heard that the guys from 'Glee' were doing a horror themed TV show, my first thought was the choreographed 'Thriller' zombies, wearing clothing from the Gap, in a school club run by their third period Spanish teacher.
What we got instead was just as awesome, 'American Horror Story', featuring the finest actress with down syndrome, I've ever seen, Jamie Brewer. She plays Addie, the 'You're Doomed' guy of 'American Horror Story'.

Most 'You're Doomed' guys, either scream at you about how you're going to die, like a mad man, or give long winded speeches, Addie keeps her shit simple.

“You're going to die in there.”

That's it, that's all she gives you. And its creepy as fuck. She says this a few times, offering up no more info then that. Just plain and simple. 'You're going to die in there,' no idea HOW, but its certain to happen.