Hey there, how about some old comic book movie news? How old? Like two weeks old. So recently (San Diego Comic Con... I said it was like two weeks old.) the announced Marvel Phase 2. Which is essentially post Avengers Sequels. So here are the titles with some thoughts.

Picture
THOR: THE DARK WORLD... Wait, its not just 'THOR 2'? We aren't seeing, 'THOR: THE RETURN OF REVENGE RISING'? This is amazing. A personal pet peeve of mine is movie titles that just toss a number on the end. Its lazy. Get a little descriptive will ya? Though to be fair, there is a few words that should be avoided in the title, DARK is fringing.
What is 'THE DARK WORLD' in reference to?... I've only read 'Thor Masterworks volume 1' and Walter Simonsons run on the title (Which I highly recommend). So my Thor knowledge isn't a deep pool. But Dark World makes me think we'll be seeing some dark elves, maybe Malekith the Accursed, and MAYBE my favourite Thor villain Surtur. I at least want to see a shot of a hammer dropping onto the twilight sword, with a huge TANG! That echoes through the cosmos.
Something else I want to see in THOR:THE DARK WORLD is Beta Ray Bill, I love me some good old horse face. If he's not in this movie, he should be in the 3rd.
The film is being directed Alan Taylor, one of the directors of 'The Game of Thrones' television series on HBO. So hes no stranger to swords and sorcery. And speaking of 'Game of Thrones'... WINTER IS COMING!


CAPTAIN AMERICA: WINTER SOLDIER
WHA! Another title with a subtitle!? Well the first film had a subtitle, so its not that surprising that the second would also feature a one as well. I'm just surprised they're taking a subtitle from the comics, not going with 'CAPTAIN AMERICA: FOREVER'
I know exactly what Winter Soldier is. Its a story line that broke what was considered one of the holiest of marvel comics rules. I don't want to spoil anything, but I'll be honest I'm excited for this now.
What I want to see from this one? the return of the Red Skull, and a more defined power set for Cap. In the first, and Avengers, we don't really see Captain do anything to impressive. I want to see less of the soldier and more of the SUPER. There's that part in the first where he love taps a guard with his shield and the man goes flying, that was awesome. I also want to see him be more of a gymnast too.
This one is being directed by the directing duo of Anthony and Joe Russo. Like Alan Taylor these two are usually television directors. Responsible for such television classics as, oh wow, 'the Community', 'Arrested Development', and 'Happy Endings'? Wow that's awe-... Wait a second... Sitcoms? Great sitcoms yes, but sitcom directors are doing 'CAPTAIN AMERICA: WINTER SOLDIER'? Alan Taylor made sense but these two? Lets have a look at these guys.

What a couple of dopy looking fuckers. Anthony is the one with the goofy looking grin, and Joe is the clone gone wrong of Jason Segel. (Being serious, these guys being on board makes my excitement shoot through the roof, these guys pretty much guarantee a fun movie).

Lets continue with the movie everyone is probably most excited for...



Picture
IRON MAN 3... oh come on! IRON MAN, IRON MAN 2 and now IRON MAN 3. Okay, so I'll know the proper sequential viewing order, but they couldn't have called it 'INVINCIBLE IRONMAN', or are they saving that for the reboot when Robert Downey Jr. Abandons the character? Okay fine. Rumour is they'll be following Extremis story line, then IRON MAN EXTREMIS could be your title!
CAPTAIN AMERICA is following the Winter Soldier storyline, and has that in his title, then why not do that with Iron Man?... Sigh. All I want to see in this movie is FING FANG FOOM. Bring it on! Giant Dragon!
Directing this is Shane Black who directed 'KISS, KISS, BANG, BANG'. Shane is apparently really good friends with RDJ, and director of IRON MAN and IRON MAN 2 Jon Favreau (who also plays Happy Hogan in the films).
This film should be fine. Apparently Shane advised the guys on the first two films, and now Favreau is advising Shane.

And what movies has Marvel announced?

ANTMAN fuck yes! I know most of the general non comic book readers are probably thinking 'Who? What the fuck does Antman do? Talk to ants?'... Well not just talk to them... Don't roll your eyes at me!
Antman not only can communicate with ants, but shrink and grow! And I love characters that can shrink for some reason (subconscious relation to penises?)... but beyond that, Antman is just an awesome character. He's my favourite character on the Earths Mightiest Heroes cartoon, and a character I've really wanted to read more of.
Edger Write, director of 'SHAUN OF THE DEAD', 'HOT FUZZ', the television series 'SPACED' and of course the comic film 'SCOTT PILGRAM VS THE WORLD' is handling this one. Hes a guy that knows how to handle his action and his comedy.
Rumour is the story will follow Hank Pym the first Antman in the 1960's, then flash forward to the second Antman Scott Lang. I'm actually mostly familiar with Eric O'Grady... the Irredeemable Antman AKA the worlds most unlikable super hero.
What I want out of Antman, is the set up for a villain for avengers by the name of Ultron. Also some good old fashioned Antman and Wasp!

And then there is...

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY Again, you probably responded with, 'Huh? Who?' Well let me just say... Rocket fucking Raccoon. An alien Raccoon. GROOT a sentient tree man! Need I say more?

 
Okay, starting today off with the end of my Rainbow Brite 'review'. I know I said that I was going to watch episodes 4-5, but do to lack of time and personal interest (I feel Learned everything I need to learn about Rainbow Brite) I'm going to end with episode 4.
So my run down. What did I think of the show? In all honesty, it was okay. I'm not going to become a fan, but if some day in the distant future, VERY distant future I have a daughter, or niece and I see 'Rainbow Brite' on RedRay I'd buy it.
For a girls cartoon, 'Rainbow Brite' has a slight edge to it. Its villains are dark, and the tone is adventures. Its themes are nothing special, neither is the art style. It just looks like strawberry shortcake, and the themes are the same old 'Carebear' crap. But 'Rainbow Brite' is LESS gay then 'Carebears'.
Speaking of gay, how is it that 'Rainbow Brite' NOT a gay symbol? How does Madonna with her gross tits, and man arms, become symbol of the gay community but not a character named 'RAINBOW BRITE.'

Anyway, to fill out this post a little more, here is “5 Mixed Media Urban Legends!... Some of which I may have made up myself.”

Alfonso Ribeiro taught Michael Jackson how to moonwalk

Who is Alfonso Riberio you ask? You may know him better as Carlton Banks of Bel-air. The guy that does this famous little dance.

The story starts back in 1983. Alfonso had just stared in a Broadway show called “The Tap Dance Kid.” Showing that he had obvious dance talent, he was recruited for a Pepsi commercial featuring the king of pop, Micheal Jackson.

Not the Pepsi commercial where Jackson's head burst into the flame.

No, this one.

See that move Carlton did? The Moon Walk? That was the first time Jackson had seen it. He liked it so much that between takes MJ had Alfonso Riberio teach him the move... its also safe to assume that, considering the age of Alfonso, Jackson touched him... But that's not the point. Point is Jackson learned his signature dance move from the guy famous for not being able to dance well.

A munchkin hung himself on the set of Wizard of Oz

Dwarfism is a fairly rare condition. And back in 1939 when they were called together to film The Wizard of Oz many of them had never even met another midget. What they found out upon meeting one another in a mass scale, was that they had more in common then their short limbs. They also all loved to party!
Every night after shooting the munchkins got completely pissed. 'Shmamered' if you will. Fraternizing together lead to many relationships and bonds being made. One particular paring involved a little person named David Connelly, and an unknown little lady. They started a romantic relationship, and David fell hard. A lot harder then his lady friend.
No one knows what happened. But at one particular Midget fest, the two had a falling out, and David left the party very upset.
The next day he wasn't seen on set... until they had filmed this particular scene.

See that thing swinging in the background of the scene? Thats David Connelly, a heart broken midget.

Die Hard was based on a true story.

The plot of Die Hard is John McClain an off duty police officer is stuck in a office building with a group of 'terrorist'. Shoeless, and armed primarily with his wit, John McClain must survive, and save the hostages, which include his estranged wife. Believe it or not, this story has its roots, lightly buried in the grounds of reality.
The true story takes place in Japan. Where Fu Nakatomi a off duty constable was accidentally invited to a party at an office building (Fu Nakatomi is a common name in Japan). Moments before Fu was to excuse himself from the party the room was stormed by the Asian Dawn terrorist group.
Fu, being the badass he was, was able to reason with the terrorist and have some of the hostages freed. When things appeared to go sour hours later, Fu was forced to kill a terrorist with his bare hands, and rush the remaining hostages to safety.
There is actually a few references to these true events in Die Hard. Such as the building in the film being called Nakatomi Tower, and the tong in cheek joke about the Asian Dawn terrorist organization.


Jackie Chan fakes his injuries.

We've all watched Jackie Chan movies, bubbling with anticipation for the end 'blooper' reel where we get to see Jackie Chan do his stunts and get carried away by paramedics. But have you ever wondered, how do they ever finish a movie if Jackie is constantly breaking every bone in his body?
Its simple... He doesn't actually break any of his bones. Jackie actually FAKES his injuries for the amusement of the audience. It started out as a gag, but spawned into a running gimmick, where Jackie would add lib injuries and then later have them cut into injury reels.
To take this out of the realm of urban legend (That I may have just made up). Lets talk about a strange FACT about Jackie Chan. Did you know that he started out as erotic film star? Its amazing to think that a former porn star would later on in life be the subject of a childrens cartoon.

Faker...

Steven Spielberg cut off a mans fingers.

To be fair it was an accident. On the set of Jaws Mr. Spielberg was showing off the giant robotic shark (Bruce) to some grips. He showcased the animatronic monsters movements while the men watched. Afterwords they were allowed to inspect the machines mechanics.
When one gentleman placed his hand inside the giant sharks mouth to inspect a system of pistons... well, Mr. Spielberg had this expression behind the control panel.
Deciding to give the grip a scare Steven closed the jaws of... Jaws, on the grips hand. Unfortunately for Steven and even more the grip, the robot sharks controls were a little fidgety. And it clamped down HARD onto the man's fingers, leaving him with four nubs and a thumb.
They rushed him to the hospital and sowed his fingers back on. Steven Spielberg footed the medical bills and the grip, though lacking some feeling, gained full motor functions.

 
For a while now I've wanted to watch old cartoons that I may have missed as a child, and present my thoughts of them here on my blog. I always figured I'd start with something in my wheel house of interest. Maybe 'Voltron', or 'Thundercats', something with a great deal of impact on geek culture... Instead I'm beginning with 'Rainbow Brite'.

Not only is 'Rainbow Brite' a girls cartoon, its a 'Hallmark' cartoon. Most cartoons in the 80's were actually half hour long commercials directed towards kids to sell toys. Rainbow Brite didn't start as a toy though, her roots were in greeting and gift cards.
Originally intended to combat the American Greetings franchise 'Strawberry Shortcake', 'Rainbow Brite' quickly found its own footing, developing a following among young girls, and people who love painfully cutesy shit.
Naturally success meant they had to expand with merchandising. Clothing, toys, live road shows, and a god damn television special, all got spewed out. Syndicated television is where I come in. There was 13 episodes of the Rainbow Brite cartoon. That's right, only 13! And thats including the television specials. But when I was searching up popular 80's cartoons, Rainbow Brite was all over the place. People loved that colourful little tart.
Being the curious guy I am, I had to check it out. I began with episodes 4-5. Since they are actually first when it comes to the continuity of 'Rainbow Brite'... Though I imagine 'Rainbow Brite' isn't exactly heavy when it comes to plot.

The story starts off terrifyingly... Not like real terrifying, but like... Disney terrifying. Its dark and gloomy, thunder echos through the land, when out of nowhere teleported to this land of darkness is Rainbow Brite.
Shes been sent there by God? I'm not sure who sends her there, but it certainly seems like God did it. Her quest is to find the sphere of light, so she can bring, “Colour and happiness” to all. She quickly realizes that not everyone in this land is interested in, “Colour and happiness”. And after a encounter with the rape trees from 'The Evil Dead', she runs into Twinky the sprite.
Question. Why do sprites/faeries and pixies always have to have such emasculating names? I'm 98% sure that Twinky is a dude. Maybe its a 'A Boy Named Sue' type situation. Like his Father wanted to toughen him up, so he named him Twinky. If that is the case, it didn't work, cause Twinky screeches in terror every second he gets.
They band together, as Rainbow Brite forces Twinky to risk his life for her, by constantly reminding him, “ITS MY QUEST!”, “BUT ITS MY QUEST TWINKY!”, “CALL QUEST TWINKY TO MEET HOT SINGLES!”

I feel like a slut for posting that... If only I was getting paid for it...

Anyway, Twinky and Rainbow, bumble through the horrors of this land without colour, and discover a bunch of frozen sprites, and a horse. Since little girls love horses, and Rainbow is a girl, shes naturally attracted to the animal.
The duo is attacked by a crazy ass vulture and for some unexplainable reason, the horse is resurrected and thawed. I'm just assuming that whenever something like this happens in Rainbow Brite God did it.
The horse of course can speak. Which surprises Rainbow. She wasn't surprised by the fuzzy sprite named after a hostess treat, or the talking trees that grabbed at her, but a talking horse? GET OUT OF HERE! Horses cant talk. That is of course, unless that horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

The horse is named Starlight and he does a better job then I could ever do describing himself. “I'm Starlight! The most wonderful Horse in the universe! Of course I can talk!”
Starlight, aside from telling us all how awesome he is all the time, informs us that Rainbow Brite needs to have the Colour Belt if she plans on defeating the evil King of Shadows and collecting the light sphere. This is where the plot gets so contrived it may as well be a video game. You have to collect this, to get this, to do this, and collect that, so you can open the door to that other thing so you can beat the final boss.
This is when we're introduced to the mandatory bumbling villain’s, Murk and Lurk. I have no idea which one is which. All I know is I like the one that looks like Snufflopicus. They are bumbling morons, who I think technically are mentally retarded. They attempt to stop the Rainbow crew but they screw it up... and by chance they stop the Rainbow crew... Huh? Yeah. They fail upward, by forcing Starlight the most awesome horse in the world, Twinky and Rainbow Brite into a river, full of piranha, towards some rapids.
It seems like they're about to A: drown, B: be smashed against rocks, or C: get eaten by fish. And after watching this episode four times now, I have to say, I'm hoping for 'all of the above' . What happens instead is they reach the shore and discover a baby wrapped in a cloth. They take this baby to a cave for shelter... This part concerns me. We have a child being taken care of by a little girl, a sprite named Twinky and a horse. It was scary enough when it was Tom Selleck, Steve Gutenberg, and Ted Danson.
Of course, the hand of god also placed the Colour belt in this random cave they chose to hide in. And thus episode four of Rainbow Brite Ends...

PART TWO

 
Last year it was announced that 'The Simpons' was being cancelled. This news, created some conflicting feelings for me. I love 'The Simpsons', its always been there, but like a elderly pet, or annoying grandparent, its gotten to the point where I'm ready to put it down.
We later found out that the cancellation of 'The Simpsons', was just a tactic by Fox to pressure the voice actors to take a substantial pay cut. This pay cut has resulted in 'The Simpsons' getting renewed for two more seasons. Again, I have mixed feelings.
Like I said, the yellow faces of Springfield have been around for my whole life. I've watched the show weekly for 23 years... okay, lets be fair, I probably didn't cognitively watch it until I was like, four or five. Still though... a long ass time.
'The Simpsons' at the beginning, (as its own series, not on the 'Tracy Ullman show'), was a satirical slice of the American middle class. The early seasons of 'The Simpsons' were genius. Norman Rockwell, for the 90's, with a whole lot of yellow.
Over time though the show succumb to gimmicks and guest stars. There was frequent changes of showrunners, but it wasn't until the era of Mike Scully (season 9-12) that the golden age of the Simpsons ended.
That is not to say, there wasn't still good episodes, just not as frequently. There was a gradual change in the humour of the show. Witty, subtle, satire, grew into wacky out of this world humour, and ridicules slap stick. These different facets of humour were always present, but not always as prominent.
That's something about the show I have to acknowledge. The show never stopped being funny, it just stopped being... 'The Simpsons'. It lost its balance of humour and heart. You watch a modern episode of 'The Simpsons', and the first ten minutes of the show are a write off. Its just random gags, that distracts from the plot. The episode starts, and from what the first 8 minutes suggest, you think episode is about, Apu being annoyed by Homer shopping at a different chain of grocery stores. Even the episodes title suggest it... but really its a episode about street artist Banksy, made... like a year after Banksy was popularized on the internet.
The problem with 'The Simpsons', is that its attempting to be topical. People compare the show to 'Family Guy'. People like to say that the show is trying to be like 'Family Guy'. But I don't buy that. I think that someone influential said it, everyone thought, 'that sounds like smart, critical thinking... perfect bandwagon to jump on.'
No, the show isn't much like 'Family Guy', no more then 'Family Guy' was like 'The Simpsons'. Cause if you recall, 'Family Guy' was originally called a rip-off of 'the Simpsons'. Either way, I think 'The Simpsons' is more like 'Saturday Night Live', or 'South Park'. Both shows are topical comedies, and in the case of 'SNL', there is a reliance on guest stars, and musical guest. This doesn't work for 'the Simpsons', because unlike those other shows I mentioned, an episode of 'the Simpsons' isn't produced in a week. It takes 6 to 8 months to produce a finished episode of the Simpsons. You know what that means? Those “awesome” topical episodes, are dated. And thus... not actually topical.
If this season of the Simpsons had ended up being the last, do you know what the last episode would have been?

Springfield is rated the town with the lowest self-esteem, so Lisa and Lady Gaga set out to raise everyone's spirits—through the power of a flash mob. 

First off, it would have been a Lisa episode. Second. Remember how last year flash mobs were cool? Well its not last year anymore. And to a lesser degree, as a member of the general audience, I care even less about Lady Gaga then I did when she first bleeped onto my radar.
Lady Gaga, is not how the show should have ended. We have two seasons left, why not make them count? Bring back past writers and show runners. Lets hear all the different voices this series had again, and bring back some of that gold. This series should end with fireworks, it shouldn't drift off into the night quietly.
The last Sunday night this show airs, should have EVERYONE, with their asses bolted to their seats, watching the triumphant finish of one of the greatest shows ever made.

UPDATE:
I just finished watching the episode, LISA GOES GAGA. And I have to say... Its probably the worse episode of the season.
The description given for the episode isn't even accurate. Lady Gaga, raises Springfield’s sprites by singing a 2 and half minute song about how, “Were all special, in our own way!” You know, contrived bull shit like that. But Lisa is still sad, since shes been voted most unpopular kid at school.
So Gaga, who has psychic abilities to predict unhappiness... For real... decides she must help Lisa. The flash mob in the description is a lame 30 second gag. The episode is an awful,PR stunt by Gaga. One of the easiest demographics to get a hold of, is the downtrodden. Just faking you give a shit, is enough to satisfy the masses.
This episode was so shallow. Sincerity was so vacant from this episode, it was painful to watch. Its the problem with having a guest star. You couldn't do an episode putting down Lady Gaga, and expect her to actually lend her voice to it. You have to build up your guest stars like they're fucking gods. And its SO annoying.
Its something 'South Park' has always gotten right. Do awful impersonations of celebrities, and really take the piss out of them. This episode was just pure trash, but at least it started a plot line and kept going with it.
The second last episode of the season, NED'N EDNA'S BLEND, starts with a SIX AND A HALF MINUTES! of Homer getting the role in the church passion play as Jesus, Homer worrying he may not remember his lines, Homer doing the play, and Homer accidentally injuring Ned, which leads to the reveal of Ned and Edna are married.
WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE FIRST SIX MINUTES! IT DOES NOTHING! Its pure filler, that has nothing to do with the actual plot of the episode. Its frustrating. GOD DAMMIT! Pick a narrative, and stick with it.




 
Picture
I've mentioned at least on two occasions, that I have a hate for He-man. He was my hero, then I realized he was a dweeb of the highest order. Lets examine He-Man, and his alter ego, Prince Adam.
Lets begin with the hair cut. Its tough to have shoulder length hair, and come off as a bad ass. There are a few examples. Riggs from Lethal Weapon, Snake Plissken, Chewie.
Prince Adam though, is just holding himself back with that do. He's setting himself up for an up hill battle, the moment he pulls out his scissors, and cuts his bangs straight.
Lets move to that thing his hair is framing... His face. The animation in He-Man used a technique called, 'Rotoscope'. Where Animators take live action film, and draw over it. Giving their characters very realistic movements.
This technique didn't extend to He-man's facial features, though. He is nearly expressionless. Fucking Kristen Stewart can emote more then He-man.
Lets get back to those movements. Rotoscope is awesome, He-Man's movements are spot on, unfortunately his 'moves' are lame. The dude has a sword, he has a super, sweet sword. Does he use it ever? Of course not, that would only make him a bad ass.
Frankly, He-Man had one hope to over come his hair cut, and it was slicing off limbs with his magic sword. But no! He hardly even punches the bad guys. What he does is... Grapples. He hikes up his fuzzy undies, and wrestles, or, if I may, 'r'astles'.
He-Mans number one tactic is, pick up his enemy, raise them high above his head, (Or 'a loft') and throws them. Which is impressive, I can agree on that. Its a heck of display of strength, it blows my mind when figure skaters do it. But he's a warrior of good, not a member of the icecapades.
Week, after week, he is attacked by Skeltor and his cronies. Week, after week, Greyskull is in danger. But he wont even punch the guys. He tosses them away, which again is impressive, but not a permanent solution, its just a rough inconvenience. Its the move your dad used on you when rough housing in a pool, (rough pooling?).
Anyway, do you know what he does instead with his magic Sword? Prince Adam holds it; 'a loft'. Which is a wieners way of saying, 'above my head'. And uses it's magic to turn him into the all powerful, He-Man. What does this transformation in-tale? Does he get bigger? Does his hair go spiky, and begin to defy gravity? Does he get adorned with some kind of Senti armour?
Nope. Nope. And nope! He sheds his clothing, and dresses up as some kind of... Sexual degenerate? ...With Nazi sympathies? Look at him! He wants to lure you down to his sex dungeon, and brand you with his Iron Cross!

Its bad enough that Prince Adam prances about in purple tights, with fuzzy uggs and matching undies, but to strip down into S&M wear? Thats just messed. Even more messed up thing is, thats the trend in Eternia. Barely covered, muscly men, in fuzzy undies and uggs. The difference is, and I can't believe I'm saying this... Some of the guys can pull it off.
Picture
If your face is nothing but a fucking skull? You can wear what ever the fuck you want, and look bad ass. Its scientific fact that skulls instantly make something metal, and thus, bad ass.
Even his supporting cast sucks! When He-Man/Prince Adam's not r'astling topless with the boys, he hangs out with Cringer, his cowardly Tiger, who is a cross between Scooby-doo and the cowardly lion. Cringer is such a pussy, in every sense, that he seems to be self aware to the point that he experiences stage fright, and stutters out every goddam line of dialogue.
Then there is Man-at-arms... who I think moon lights as the head singer to a fantasy version of the village people. I mean look at him, he has a flavour savour, cum catching mustache. He belongs in a gay porno, not a children's cartoon.


Picture
Cringer and Man-at-arms, are joined in the fraternity of people who know Prince Adams secret... (I mean the other secret, the fact that he's He-Man), by Orko. A wizard who fails frequently at casting spells... I actually like Orko. Hes silly, he's stupid, he buy's his clothing at the same place as Alvin of the Chipmunks. He's cool in my book.
Filling in the obligatory role of 'female', we have Tee-la. Who, unlike those past three, isn't aware of Prince Adam's Secret... Neither of them I'm sure, cause she seems to have a thing for him.
Tee-la is sort of the Louis Lane of the show. Prince Adam disappears, and He-Man magically shows up. Then at the end of the 22 minute toy commercial, when Prince Adam 're appears' wink, wink. She then says, “Oh Adam! You just missed He-Man.”... Shes a retard. You're a goddam grown woman, and you can't see through this disguise? They have the exact same body type and everything! They even carry identical swords! The only difference is He-Man's voice slightly, echos.
At least, according to the comics, Superman changes his voice to the point that its completely different, and he slouches, to appear weak. Fuck Superman even changes his hair cut. He-Man could instantly benefit from doing the same thing. Change your hair, gain bad ass points AND secure your secret identity.
The only thing He-man has going for him, is he has some cool allies who guest appear once and a while. Like Fisto and Ram Man... Oh shit. I don't want to think of what He-Man, Fisto and Ram-Man do when they're alone.

 

Okay. Going to hit you all with piece of news, about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then a big'ol piece of criticism.

"When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable."

-Michael Bay


Wow is that retarded. Michael Bay really kind of misses the point of Teenage MUTANT Ninja Turtles. Changing them to Aliens is pure retard, no two ways around it. Its retard, I know its retarded, and you all know its retarded. So I'm not going to waste much time painting a picture of how retarded it is.

What I am going to do is blast the majority of the criticizers of this news. People are using, a turn of phrase that annoys the shit out of me. “They're raping my childhood.”
Why do I have a problem with this? Well first off, I have no qualms about joking about rape, or using the word 'rape' to express hate. I do have a problem with people faking a love something from their childhood, when they REALLY only care about it in a shallow superficial level.
I get that its nostalgia, and nostalgia by nature is shallow. I understand that lots of people loved TMNT when they were a kid. But what do you actually remember about the Turtles? Sure you can remember the main casts names, and the general idea of the cartoon, but what else? When was the last time you sat down to watch the show? If it was more then ten years ago, then how in love can you really be?

And to truly look closer at what that Shit Head Bay said. He could mean they will be 'alien' in the sense that the mutiagin ooze, is created by TCRI... which is run by Alien's. Which would actually be true to the source material, the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic. In which April isn't a reporter, there is no Krang, and the turtles kill people. They also don't eat pizza, or wear different colours, they all wear uniform red, that is when the started appearing in colour... original comic was black an white. Oh, and Shredder also died in the first issue. Wow, that cartoon really did rape that comic didn't it? By changing it from being something for adults, and into something for children.

I'm being sarcastic. For anyone to care about the numerous changes between the comic, and cartoon, would mean that they would have to love the comic... Which lots of people do, but who cares about them! Most people 'love' the cartoon, and thus it is the definitive source of the turtles, and should never be strayed from EVER!... Except in the original movie series which acted as a perfect fusion of the cartoon and comic. I'm done being sarcastic now.

Anyway, I get that it was a long time ago. I can't expect you to remember every little detail about the show, and movies. But come on! are YOU a fan of it, or is YOUNG you a fan of it? There is a difference between 'loving' something, and something you 'used to love'. Just like there is a difference between your current girlfriend, and your ex-girlfriend.
I understand you don't want anything bad to happen to your ex, but really, they're your ex for a reason. You grew away from it. But that's the beauty of it, your childhood is always there in the past for you to re-visit. Just like your ex is always a viable booty call... er, maybe not the most perfect analogy.

Don't be afraid to go back and watch these cartoons you loved, maybe you'll view them and your love will be reignited, or maybe you'll hate it, and learn that your love is long dead. (This happened for me with 'He-Man and the Masters of the Universe', man was it gay.)
Really though, the fact of the matter is, no matter what shitty re-boot they create for the turtles, there will always be the comics, the cartoons, and the original movies. So please, everyone relax, and take a step back in time. Your child hood is unrapable, because its long gone. But you get to create your second childhood, and its ass hole is locked up nice an tight, in your buns of steel. You have complete control over what gets in, and what goes out. Use that wisely, and just ignore pricks like Micheal Bay.

UP DATE:

"Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world."

I've talked about adaptations before with the 'Walking Dead.' And I just want to say that this guy, doesn't get how a great adaptation works. Especially since TMNT already has a perfect adaptation, with plenty of depth, humour and edgy action. Its called 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: the movie'.
As I mentioned before the Comic and the original Cartoon are very different. Thing is, I still enjoy both. Despite the differences there were changes in the cartoon that were very much improvements.
Like giving the Turtles more distinct personalities, and individual colours. In the comic you can't really tell who, is who, unless you can see their weapons, and I enjoy April as a reporter instead of a lab assistant to Baxter Stockmen.
And when they went to make the first motion picture, they amalgamated the gritty comic, with the colourful cartoon and made an excellent movie out of it. Probably one of my top five comic book movies actually.
Back in the early 2000's when the remade the cartoon, the did the same thing, pieces of the original comic book, were combined with the original cartoon. Honestly it was as good as, if not better then the original series.
Then when they went on to make TMNT the fourth, computer animated film, they said to themselves. 'We can try to retell the origin story, we can do a full blown reboot, and have everyone hate it. Or we can do a direct sequel.' Which is what they did... Was it good? Not really. The main plot sucked, but the subplot between Raph and Leo was excellent. The main plot was so contrived.
Now going ahead and making a complete reboot is a huge mistake, especially since it was already done perfectly, and no matter what, Bay's TMNT will pale in comparison. Its a dumb idea. Like I said before, retarded. On SO many levels.