Okay, two things. First, a story I forgot to tell about when I saw 'Amazing Spider-Man'. When I was in line to buy my ticket for the movie, an elderly women got in behind me. I went through just after hearing her say, “One seniors ticket.”
The woman was a stereotypical, fragile old lady. I looked at her and thought, 'MAN! YOU LOOK LIKE AUNT MAY!' Heck, for all I knew she was dressed up as Aunt May for the movie.
I took maybe twelve steps away. Then I heard a clunk sound, like someone had dropped their large drink. I turned to give the person my silent condolences, since dropping a 5 dollar drink? That blows. Thats not what had happened though, what happened was the old woman lost her balance and did a face plant into the wall, knocking her self out.
In a instant I thought, shit, if she had been in line in front of me, I may have noticed her falling and I could have grabbed her, or helped her. I thought, is there anything I can do? People have already rushed to her care, and someone was already dialling 9-1-1. What was there for me to do? And the answer was... Nothing, so I turned the fuck around and watched Spider-Man.

Second thing. I want to talk about the big violence of the week, the shooting in Colorado during the midnight screening of 'The Dark Knight Rises.' These two things relate in many ways. First off, both happened in a movie theatre, during a screening of a comic book movie. And for me, they both caused me to reflect and think... What would I have done?
I can't honestly answer that, If I had been that theatre there is no telling how I would react. But with every little, personal story I hear come out of this, I get a little more terrified. I've read stories of a guy seeing his girlfriend get shot, and hearing her scream for only a moment before a second bullet struck her in the head.
Or another man who threw himself atop his girlfriend and best friend and took bullets for them, leading to his own death, but their survival. Its scary stuff. Stuff no one ever wants to experience.

The Saturday after the shooting, the day after I saw and LOVED the 'Dark Knight Rises' I saw the cell phone video taken outside the theatre after the shooting. I was nervous watching it, I was concerned for the people that stood around outside the theatre slack jawed, gocking, at the people poring out of the theatre crying, some splattered in blood, their own, or other.
I watched and thought, WHY! WHY ARE YOU STANDING! THERE! This early after the shooting there is no telling where the shooter is, or if he's alone. For all they knew his next stop would be the fucking lobby, or he could have a buddy waiting to start phase two in the parking lot.
I learned a valuable lesson watching these fucking people who just couldn't walk away. I learned that if I see something horrific happen, and I am powerless to stop it (which I often will be). I'll turn to the people I'm with and say, 'Lets get the fuck out of here. We can read about this later.' I don't need to witness it myself.

As soon as I first heard about the shooting, I knew this would mean some irrational fall out. People needing something or someone to blame aside from the obvious people. I was sure we'd hear the usual shit, movies, video games and music caused this. And since it was a movie based on a comic... maybe comics will be blamed as well.
I was right, people think he was inspired by a scene in the 'Dark Knight Returns' by Frank Miller. People are saying that its the violence of the movies that drove him to do it. This all of course distracts from the possibility that maybe, just maybe... James Holmes was an unhappy, fractured human being, who for some fucked up reason could only find relief by doing something horrible. In which case, what made him this way? Probably a combination of a million things.
Gun laws will be debated like they always have after a shooting. And people are going to look for something to blame. One man has already filed a lawsuit. What he went through was traumatic, and I'm sure he was thinking emotionally not logically, but his lawsuit is retarded. Lets look at it.

First he's suing,
The theatre. He claims it was negligent for the theater to have an emergency door in the front that was not alarmed or guarded. It's widely believed Holmes entered the theater with a ticket, propped the emergency door open from inside, went to his car and returned with guns.

Okay, lets look at this in parts. Usually its considered negligent for a theatre to NOT have an emergency door. He's not complaining about that though, he's complaining about it not being guarded or alarmed.
If it had been guarded or alarmed, it may have saved some lives, I'll agree to that. But you can't expect the theatre to have an armed guard at every (or ANY) fire exit. As a far as the alarm is concerned, this would mean that every joe blow, or jerk off kid who walks out of the movie via the fire exit would interrupt the screening.
I've seen hundreds of people go out the fire exit in a theatre, (dark theatres where you couldn't possibly read “Alarm will sound” written on the door if you weren't looking for it) but I've only ever heard of ONE shooting in a movie theatre EVER.
Theatre is not to blame for this shooting. The person to blame is named James Holmes. He is the one that propped open the door and got the guns. You could argue that the American Government is to blame, since you know... laxed gun laws and all. But not the theatre. That being said, he could win this one.


2. Holmes' doctors. He says it appears Holmes was on several medications -- prescribed by one or more doctors -- at the time of the shooting and he believes the docs did not properly monitor Holmes.

Does he know what properly monitoring him means? I sure don't. I guess hindsight is 22, this guy obviously should have been locked up in a institute away from all things pointy, and I like to think that the doctors, if they knew Holmes was violent, would have done something about it. But the second thing I heard about the shooting, was 'He was a nice, intelligent guy'. No one saw this coming from him.
I'm also left thinking about the documentary 'Generation RX'. Its about the effects of psychological meds on teens and children and how it really effects their mind. They claim that meds for depression and bi-polar disorder given to teens actually results in more damage then anything. They give examples like the columbine shooting, where the two shooters were on meds. But again, could be miss placed blame, blame the meds, not the illness, or even blame the meds for the illness. Or maybe a guy named James Holmes shot up a theatre.

3. Warner Bros. Karpel says "Dark Knight Rises" was particularly violent and Holmes mimicked some of the action. The attorney says theater goers were helpless because they thought the shooter was part of the movie. Karpel tells TMZ, "Somebody has to be responsible for the rampant violence that is shown today."

This on is the most retarded of the bunch. I've seen the movie, the movie is PG 13, PG 13 is not particularly violent. No more violent then any other action movie. And he mimicked some of the action?... Yes you're right guns were shot in the movie, just like... nearly every other action movie/every other act of violence in REALITY.
I've heard that a lot of people first thought it was part of the movie, giving the shooter a 6 second edge. But thats not the movies fault! Its a movie! Shit like that happens all the time. “Somebody has to be responsible for the rampant violence shown today” Yes! His name is JAMES HOLMES! THEY ALREADY CAUGHT HIM! And if anyone is to blame for this whole thing, its him.


If you think violent entertainment causes people to be violent, you're a fucking moron. Violent entertainment is a 100 times less violent then it used to be. Because violent entertainment used to be real. 'Hostal' back in ancient times wouldn't have been a FAKE movie, it would be a public display of torture.
I want everyone looking for someone to blame, to think critically, to the point that your brain hurts. Don't just point your finger and stop there. James Holmes shot a bunch of people. He is to blame directly. You'll then ask, WHY? What made him do it? This question opens a unlimited number of more questions, cause no one thing made James Holmes who he is. No single moment created him, but 22 years of moments. When you start to dissect him, his life, his interest, you'll get to the point where you ask yourself a question like, 'How is the fact that he liked crunchy peanut butter, and Stephen King, relate to him killing people?' Your brain will start to hurt, and you'll only be able to answer 'I don't know.' Thats when you stop.
You stop thinking about 'Why?', you stop trying to understand and find someone to blame. And you just go out and enjoy a movie, just like you always have. Remembering that out of the millions of people that have gone to the theatre, something bad has only happened once.
Remember that the world is actually the least violent its ever been, and you are statistically, safe. Uncompromisable, emotionless numbers say so. Don't be afraid.

 
For a while now I've wanted to watch old cartoons that I may have missed as a child, and present my thoughts of them here on my blog. I always figured I'd start with something in my wheel house of interest. Maybe 'Voltron', or 'Thundercats', something with a great deal of impact on geek culture... Instead I'm beginning with 'Rainbow Brite'.

Not only is 'Rainbow Brite' a girls cartoon, its a 'Hallmark' cartoon. Most cartoons in the 80's were actually half hour long commercials directed towards kids to sell toys. Rainbow Brite didn't start as a toy though, her roots were in greeting and gift cards.
Originally intended to combat the American Greetings franchise 'Strawberry Shortcake', 'Rainbow Brite' quickly found its own footing, developing a following among young girls, and people who love painfully cutesy shit.
Naturally success meant they had to expand with merchandising. Clothing, toys, live road shows, and a god damn television special, all got spewed out. Syndicated television is where I come in. There was 13 episodes of the Rainbow Brite cartoon. That's right, only 13! And thats including the television specials. But when I was searching up popular 80's cartoons, Rainbow Brite was all over the place. People loved that colourful little tart.
Being the curious guy I am, I had to check it out. I began with episodes 4-5. Since they are actually first when it comes to the continuity of 'Rainbow Brite'... Though I imagine 'Rainbow Brite' isn't exactly heavy when it comes to plot.

The story starts off terrifyingly... Not like real terrifying, but like... Disney terrifying. Its dark and gloomy, thunder echos through the land, when out of nowhere teleported to this land of darkness is Rainbow Brite.
Shes been sent there by God? I'm not sure who sends her there, but it certainly seems like God did it. Her quest is to find the sphere of light, so she can bring, “Colour and happiness” to all. She quickly realizes that not everyone in this land is interested in, “Colour and happiness”. And after a encounter with the rape trees from 'The Evil Dead', she runs into Twinky the sprite.
Question. Why do sprites/faeries and pixies always have to have such emasculating names? I'm 98% sure that Twinky is a dude. Maybe its a 'A Boy Named Sue' type situation. Like his Father wanted to toughen him up, so he named him Twinky. If that is the case, it didn't work, cause Twinky screeches in terror every second he gets.
They band together, as Rainbow Brite forces Twinky to risk his life for her, by constantly reminding him, “ITS MY QUEST!”, “BUT ITS MY QUEST TWINKY!”, “CALL QUEST TWINKY TO MEET HOT SINGLES!”

I feel like a slut for posting that... If only I was getting paid for it...

Anyway, Twinky and Rainbow, bumble through the horrors of this land without colour, and discover a bunch of frozen sprites, and a horse. Since little girls love horses, and Rainbow is a girl, shes naturally attracted to the animal.
The duo is attacked by a crazy ass vulture and for some unexplainable reason, the horse is resurrected and thawed. I'm just assuming that whenever something like this happens in Rainbow Brite God did it.
The horse of course can speak. Which surprises Rainbow. She wasn't surprised by the fuzzy sprite named after a hostess treat, or the talking trees that grabbed at her, but a talking horse? GET OUT OF HERE! Horses cant talk. That is of course, unless that horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

The horse is named Starlight and he does a better job then I could ever do describing himself. “I'm Starlight! The most wonderful Horse in the universe! Of course I can talk!”
Starlight, aside from telling us all how awesome he is all the time, informs us that Rainbow Brite needs to have the Colour Belt if she plans on defeating the evil King of Shadows and collecting the light sphere. This is where the plot gets so contrived it may as well be a video game. You have to collect this, to get this, to do this, and collect that, so you can open the door to that other thing so you can beat the final boss.
This is when we're introduced to the mandatory bumbling villain’s, Murk and Lurk. I have no idea which one is which. All I know is I like the one that looks like Snufflopicus. They are bumbling morons, who I think technically are mentally retarded. They attempt to stop the Rainbow crew but they screw it up... and by chance they stop the Rainbow crew... Huh? Yeah. They fail upward, by forcing Starlight the most awesome horse in the world, Twinky and Rainbow Brite into a river, full of piranha, towards some rapids.
It seems like they're about to A: drown, B: be smashed against rocks, or C: get eaten by fish. And after watching this episode four times now, I have to say, I'm hoping for 'all of the above' . What happens instead is they reach the shore and discover a baby wrapped in a cloth. They take this baby to a cave for shelter... This part concerns me. We have a child being taken care of by a little girl, a sprite named Twinky and a horse. It was scary enough when it was Tom Selleck, Steve Gutenberg, and Ted Danson.
Of course, the hand of god also placed the Colour belt in this random cave they chose to hide in. And thus episode four of Rainbow Brite Ends...

PART TWO

 
Picture
I've mentioned at least on two occasions, that I have a hate for He-man. He was my hero, then I realized he was a dweeb of the highest order. Lets examine He-Man, and his alter ego, Prince Adam.
Lets begin with the hair cut. Its tough to have shoulder length hair, and come off as a bad ass. There are a few examples. Riggs from Lethal Weapon, Snake Plissken, Chewie.
Prince Adam though, is just holding himself back with that do. He's setting himself up for an up hill battle, the moment he pulls out his scissors, and cuts his bangs straight.
Lets move to that thing his hair is framing... His face. The animation in He-Man used a technique called, 'Rotoscope'. Where Animators take live action film, and draw over it. Giving their characters very realistic movements.
This technique didn't extend to He-man's facial features, though. He is nearly expressionless. Fucking Kristen Stewart can emote more then He-man.
Lets get back to those movements. Rotoscope is awesome, He-Man's movements are spot on, unfortunately his 'moves' are lame. The dude has a sword, he has a super, sweet sword. Does he use it ever? Of course not, that would only make him a bad ass.
Frankly, He-Man had one hope to over come his hair cut, and it was slicing off limbs with his magic sword. But no! He hardly even punches the bad guys. What he does is... Grapples. He hikes up his fuzzy undies, and wrestles, or, if I may, 'r'astles'.
He-Mans number one tactic is, pick up his enemy, raise them high above his head, (Or 'a loft') and throws them. Which is impressive, I can agree on that. Its a heck of display of strength, it blows my mind when figure skaters do it. But he's a warrior of good, not a member of the icecapades.
Week, after week, he is attacked by Skeltor and his cronies. Week, after week, Greyskull is in danger. But he wont even punch the guys. He tosses them away, which again is impressive, but not a permanent solution, its just a rough inconvenience. Its the move your dad used on you when rough housing in a pool, (rough pooling?).
Anyway, do you know what he does instead with his magic Sword? Prince Adam holds it; 'a loft'. Which is a wieners way of saying, 'above my head'. And uses it's magic to turn him into the all powerful, He-Man. What does this transformation in-tale? Does he get bigger? Does his hair go spiky, and begin to defy gravity? Does he get adorned with some kind of Senti armour?
Nope. Nope. And nope! He sheds his clothing, and dresses up as some kind of... Sexual degenerate? ...With Nazi sympathies? Look at him! He wants to lure you down to his sex dungeon, and brand you with his Iron Cross!

Its bad enough that Prince Adam prances about in purple tights, with fuzzy uggs and matching undies, but to strip down into S&M wear? Thats just messed. Even more messed up thing is, thats the trend in Eternia. Barely covered, muscly men, in fuzzy undies and uggs. The difference is, and I can't believe I'm saying this... Some of the guys can pull it off.
Picture
If your face is nothing but a fucking skull? You can wear what ever the fuck you want, and look bad ass. Its scientific fact that skulls instantly make something metal, and thus, bad ass.
Even his supporting cast sucks! When He-Man/Prince Adam's not r'astling topless with the boys, he hangs out with Cringer, his cowardly Tiger, who is a cross between Scooby-doo and the cowardly lion. Cringer is such a pussy, in every sense, that he seems to be self aware to the point that he experiences stage fright, and stutters out every goddam line of dialogue.
Then there is Man-at-arms... who I think moon lights as the head singer to a fantasy version of the village people. I mean look at him, he has a flavour savour, cum catching mustache. He belongs in a gay porno, not a children's cartoon.


Picture
Cringer and Man-at-arms, are joined in the fraternity of people who know Prince Adams secret... (I mean the other secret, the fact that he's He-Man), by Orko. A wizard who fails frequently at casting spells... I actually like Orko. Hes silly, he's stupid, he buy's his clothing at the same place as Alvin of the Chipmunks. He's cool in my book.
Filling in the obligatory role of 'female', we have Tee-la. Who, unlike those past three, isn't aware of Prince Adam's Secret... Neither of them I'm sure, cause she seems to have a thing for him.
Tee-la is sort of the Louis Lane of the show. Prince Adam disappears, and He-Man magically shows up. Then at the end of the 22 minute toy commercial, when Prince Adam 're appears' wink, wink. She then says, “Oh Adam! You just missed He-Man.”... Shes a retard. You're a goddam grown woman, and you can't see through this disguise? They have the exact same body type and everything! They even carry identical swords! The only difference is He-Man's voice slightly, echos.
At least, according to the comics, Superman changes his voice to the point that its completely different, and he slouches, to appear weak. Fuck Superman even changes his hair cut. He-Man could instantly benefit from doing the same thing. Change your hair, gain bad ass points AND secure your secret identity.
The only thing He-man has going for him, is he has some cool allies who guest appear once and a while. Like Fisto and Ram Man... Oh shit. I don't want to think of what He-Man, Fisto and Ram-Man do when they're alone.

 
I have slight hoarder tendencies. I own a LOT of crap, some of which serves no purpose. I have drawers full of loose sheets of paper, with scribbled notes, and drawings, and blank sheets... I have plans for them. I swear some day I'll use them.
I develop personal relationships with the strangest things, so quickly, its embarrassing. This has lead to me not only having lots of general shit, but some particularly weird shit.

Number 5

Starting with the least weird, is something I picked up while staying at Super 8 motel. My buddy discovered it in the washroom while releaving himself. And when he showed it to me we quickly debated about who would get to keep it, since it was, to us, hilarious. I've had this item for 3 years now, posted on my wall of random shit.

That item is a long paper bag, labelled in a wispy pink font, as being for, the 'disposal of famine products'. Like I said, I've had it for 3 years, and I feel its the least weird thing on this list.

Number 4

I remember when I was younger I had this magazine from when the Spawn movie came out in 1997... Okay I still have that magazine. But that’s not the item in question. Through out that magazine was pages full of Spawn toy adds, which I loved perusing. I never bought a single Spawn Toy, but I looked at them all the time. OFF TOPIC TIME!

You know how on the back of action figure boxes, they always had their catalogue of figures? Basically a big add for the other toys you could buy. Well I'd always open the action figure boxes super carefully, so that I could keep the adds and look at the toys. One time I bought, what I remember being a 'Transformer' toy, and I had kept the back of the packaging.
I figured my mom wouldn't understand why I wanted to keep it, so I hid it away from prying eyes, under my television stand. Periodically I'd sneak a peek at the toy adds, like I was sneaking a peek at a play boy, then slide it back under.
One day I got home from school and went for my dirty little secret, and it was gone. My mom must of found it while cleaning, and threw it away. I was so sad. THE END

Anyway! The Spawn movie magazine also had adds for movie character cut outs. Mostly Star Wars characters. I was so into the idea, of not just having a life size Chewie, in my room, but ANY superhero, or movie character at all! This interest in owning a cut out proceeded with me long after. And three years ago, that dream of having a cut out came true...

Yep... I have not only a life size cut out of, Savage Lion Man, but Social Savage Lion man. He watches me sleep. Its slightly unnerving, when I forget about him at night, and walk into room only to see a shirtless man in the shadows. I often call out, “John Stamos?” but its never him. Its just the Lion Man. Always, just the Lion Man.

Number 3

You watch enough cheap science fiction, you become pretty accustomed to hearing, stock sound effects. The same old, laser sounds, and Wilhelm Screams.
Have you ever wonder how they make those sounds of the universe? Do they have some kind of 'Ultimate Cosmic sound machine?' or something?... Well yes they do, its called a 'Zube Tube', or in layman’s terms, a 'cardboard tube with a spring inside.'


Here is a demo reel:

My Zube Tube, was given to me by a former tenet, who found it in the trash. Why would anyone throw out something so fantastically awesome? I have no idea. Because making noise is not only fun, it appeals to everyone!... Except the deaf, I guess it wouldn't appeal to them...

Number 2

Our minds are funny things. We love to find patterns, in things that have no patterns, and see things that aren't there. Most notably we love to see faces. Its the thing we're most accustomed to seeing, being that we're humans.

I think the second thing we most often identify is probably... genitals. Our minds love to find dicks and vagina's where there are none. Look at your hard wood floor, and tell me you don't see a vagina in the grain, or look at a vegetable garden, and tell me its not just a bunch of, dirt covered cocks. We all love, faces and genitals.

One day, my friend, and I, were watching television, and eating delicious Cheetos. When I requested that he huck one across the room to me. I had no idea what I was in for. What landed in my hand was not a Cheeto. It could only be described as... a Pheeto. As in, a Cheeto, shaped like a penis and balls.
Neither one of us could bring ourselves to eat the damn thing. Either out of respect for it, or the fear of being called gay. I know if he ate it, I'd immediately lambaste him for being a 'Little orange cock eater.”
Regardless, the Pheeto was sealed away into an air tight bag, and has for ever been in my care... for going on five years now. And I have no intentions of getting rid of it. I'd eat my cat, before I ate it.

Number 1

You know those horror stories, where people order a big mac, bite in, and theres a severed finger in their sandwich? Or people bite into a chicken finger, and there is a bit of beak in it? Well... something like that happened to me, and for some strange reason... I kept what I found, AND finished what I was eating.

I once bit into a chicken ball and... out from it popped... this BIG, OLD, CHICKEN!... feather. Yeah it was weird... Never being one to complain about food,(especially since I know this particular restaurant doesn't make the chicken balls, they order them frozen, then cook them),
I just put the feather in my hat, and called it macaroni. Then soldiered on eating my Americanized Chinese food.
I actually placed the feather in a small salt packet, and carried it around with me for a few days, showing it to whomever would listen.

When I grew bored of it, I couldn't simply throug it away. I had grown attached to the little guy, we had gone through so much. So it now rest in air tight bag, on my wall, of random shit.

I'm actually going to ask a question this week, to anyone that is reading. What is the weirdest thing you own? Where did you get it? Why do you still have it?

 
I read an article the other day on MSN news, about 'remakes'. It was called something like, 'Second time isn't the charm' or something? It was about remakes that failed at the box office compared to the originals (adjusted for inflation).

I'm usually against re-makes, with some very specific exceptions. Like I'm fine with continuously remaking comic book movies... since, well, they aren't really remakes, they're 'reboots.' And it kind of just fits the nature of the comic book beast, since comics are a constantly 'rebooting' and 'retconing' things all over the place. And there's also adaptations of cartoons, and books and video games, and it really depends on how 'pulpy' the property is. Every once in a while though, there is an adaption of a novel or comic, that transcends the original format, and becomes its own entity, and should not be tampered with. Easiest example... 'Gone with the Wind', you could remake 'Gone with the Wind', but you shouldn't.

To me, movies are an 'art', and in 'art' a photocopy of a painting isn't worth as much as the original. Follow me? Worth even less, is someone untalented attempting to copy a painting with there own brush and canvass.

Thats not what I'm really talking about though, I'm actually talking about, a slight pet peeve of mine. Which is how people criticize remakes, not the fact that people DO criticize them, but HOW they do it.
People love this line when talking about remakes, it was used in the MSN article that started this whole thing actually.

“There’s no original idea's left in Hollywood!”

Actually, yes there is. Theres lots in fact. Thousands of screen plays are written a year, and the mass majority of them are original concepts, they simply don't get made. You know why?... MONEY. MOVIES ARE MADE FOR MONEY.

We see a trailer for a movie, we go pay and see the movie. They make back the MILLIONS of dollars it took to make the movie, (and some), and they go on to make another movie. And the process begins again. The reason they do remakes, sequels and adaptations is, its a tested property, one that they can be sure they'll make their money back on.

They don't re-make movies that weren't a successes in the first place, they don't make sequels to movies that didn't make money, and they don't adapt books like 'The Hunger Games' because the story is good. The do it because they already have an audience. They don't need to win you over, that already have you, before the script is finished.

Movies cost an insane amount of money to make, out of all the forms of art, its the riskiest to create. You need a note book and pencil to write a poem, but it takes hundreds of people, with different skills, hundreds of hours, with lots of equipment, to create a film. (Granted you can do a film for cheaper, with less hands but were talking a Hollywood block buster).

If you're Joe Producer and you've given people your money to make a movie, don't you want it to have good odds of making your money back? If yes, you want a tested property, AKA: A remake, sequel or adaptation. Not something original, because original is risky.

Its very simple. There is plenty of idea's in Hollywood, they're just being repressed. Who is to blame for this?... Well... Everyone is. People like familiarity, we don't like strange or different, we want something we can peg on sight, now more then ever because... Well the cost of going and seeing a movie is so high! We want to know what we're paying for, no surprises. That's why the tell you who is involved in the making of the movie, its called name recognition, “From the Director of 'Two girls one cup' comes a film about love.”
If what we get is to different from what we expect, or like, we'll feel ripped off, like all those people that went to see 'Drive' thinking it'd be like 'Fast and the Furious'.

We'll see it, and hate it, then go on facebook, twitter or our blog and proclaim “Drive suxed! So boring! #Iwantgenricmovies.” You in that moment become a self published reviewer, and everyone on your feed is going to go, “Jimbo Johnson says 'Drive' sucked. I guess I wont see it.”


I know it seems stupid, and unlikely, but mass communication plays a huge part in the theater life of a movie. It used to be a that a shitty movie would last on the screen a few weeks before word of mouth spread of its shittyness. But now we can reach hundreds of people, who we would never even imagine talking too, by making a 6 second facebook comment.

We are speaking to Hollywood with our money. And what our money is saying, is we want another genericly painful romantic comedy staring Katherine Heigl. We want another Vin Diesal peck fest. We want another Super hero movie. We want the same'ol, same'ol. And Hollywood is listening.


Oh! Almost forgot. Congratulations at the Razzies Adam Sandler.

 

So hunger games has opened, and is a huge success among fans and general audience alike. To many its no surprise, the popularity of the book was a sure fired, tested property. They could have made a completely shit movie and called it ‘Hunger Games’ and it would have still made its dime.
Some people are surprised though. Since female lead ‘action movies’ don’t have the best box office records. Which brings me to today’s subject. Female action heroes.
I was originally going to do two list, one of excellently developed female heroes, and one listing the shitty side of the coin. But I realized that the majority of the strong female protagonist all have certain things in common, and so do the shitty ones. Which is why I’ve decided to simply voice my opinions, on what makes one good, and another shit.

First, I want to talk about suspension of disbelief.  When you see a talking dog in a movie and you go, “Pfff, Dog’s can’t talk.” Not only are you right about dogs not being able to talk, but your also not suspending your beliefs at all.
Movies are not reality, we all know this. But every film, book, and comic defines its own reality. NO, in reality dogs cannot talk. But in Narnia they can, since the reality of Narnia is animals talk. Now I could wax philosophical and talk about how we all define our own reality,  through beliefs and ideals, but that’s not what I’m getting at. What I’m getting at is, most people, (probably mostly men) don’t like female action heroes because they aren’t realistic.
The fact of the matter is, in reality, if Natalie Portman comes at Dolph Lundgren like a bro, and he cracks her one in the face, her neck would snap. BUT watching them throw down in a movie? Its very possible Portman can pull out a win, because it’s a movie.  
This is actually a double standard, since, news flash, men in action movies do unrealistic things all the time. Its honestly slightly misogynistic to say, that its more believable for a man to dodge an explosion then it is for a woman. Its fiction, there are NO limits, and its asinine as a viewer to be setting them.  
Anyway, allow me to get back on point. What makes a good female action hero, what makes a shitty female action hero.


THE GOOD

A quality female action hero, should be, you know… FEMALE. I’m going to hit you up with a little movie trivia. The roles in the film ‘Alien’ were never gender specific. They decided the characters genders during casting. That’s right Riply could have been a dude. And it shows in the first film, there is nothing Gender specific in ‘Alien’ as far as Riply is concerned, but by the sequel, she’s all woman, and all bad ass!
Her, Sarah Connor, Sue Richards (Aka: Invisible Woman) are all uniquely XX chromosome, because they all bring something to the table that no male action hero can… except for Arnold Schwarznegger… They’re all MOTHERS.  
The amount of ‘Fantastic Four’ I've read, is honestly limited. But everything I read depicts Sue Richards as a being a mama bear, with big ass fucking claws! In one comic, a brain washed Wolverine invades the Baxter building to kill the ‘FF’. And who is it that stops the hairy little killing machine? Not Reed! Not the Human Torch! Not the ever love’n blue eye’d Thing! But Sue!
Nice, polite, pretty and petite, she’d never kill… Unless her family is in danger, in which case she’ll put a bubble around your lungs and suffocate you.  Ouch!
These mother action heroes are AMAZING. Not because they are physically imposing, but because their motivation is so strong, and primal. Protect your young at any cost. Sarah Connor and Ellen Riply especially, since there is a transformation between films, from victim, to hero.
Stepping away from mothers, let’s talk about single lady characters. Like teenage Buffy Summers, Kitty Pryde, and bachelorette Black Widow. These characters aren’t mothers. But they are uniquely female, and exhibit famine attributes in their personality. They like typical girl things. They enjoy shopping, and going dancing. When Kitty Pryde and Buffy Summers were teenage heroes, they’d get crushes and experience mood swings, they were self conscious about their body and appearance. They were TEENAGE GIRLS. Fuck, Kitty Pryde was constantly indecisive about what here super hero name and costume would actually be, which screams teenage girl to me.
I’m not saying that we should enforce gender stereotypes with female action heroes. I’m just saying a female action hero should generally be unique to the gender. Otherwise you have what a I consider a shitty female action hero.  

THE BAD

Unique to the gender, is what makes a good female action hero. What makes a shitty female action hero is a woman, defined by her boobs. I’ve only seen two of the Resident Evil movies, but you perform a double mastectomy on Milla Jovovich , and shape her vagina into a cock, and her character hasn’t changed a bit.
A shitty female action hero, has a personality that may as well be a mans. She is a hard as nails, stone faced, bad ass. And NO there is nothing wrong with this archetype, its just boring, and kind of offensive to woman, since essentially they’re fan fair.
Typical action movies have your bad ass male lead, with a sexy female love interest. ‘Resident Evil’, ‘Aeon Flux’, ‘Tomb Raider’ cut corners by fusing these characters together. Their stories could play out the exact same if they were dudes. This actually goes both ways, since obviously male stories can play out the same with female leads. But when one in ten action movies, stars a woman, then why not make it worth it? Give the girls out there a respectable hero instead of a sexual vessel.
I also hate the wardrobe of shitty female action heroes. If its a sword and sorcery story, the female fighter is wearing chainmail on, and only on, her lady parts. Like a woman's breast a labia are their only vital organs.
Then their is female super heroes. How does showing off your mid drift help you fight crime? Is running in those heels make you faster or something? Does your thong dig in much?   
Even worse though, is this archetypical female action hero who is defined by the fact that she ISN’T a man. We see this character all the time. My first thought of this Eyown from ‘Lord of the Rings’. She’s as good a fighter as ANY man, but she can’t go to battle! She’s a girl! Actually what is her big line? You know at her triumph? Oh yeah “I AM NO MAN!”
God has that story arch run dry or what? “I’m just as good as a boy!”
“No you aren’t!”
Achieves X goal (becomes a warrior, joins the boys wrestling team, bowls a perfect game ect.)
“See!”
“You’re right! You’re our equal!”
The end.   
That story arch doesn’t need to die, I’m fine with it. But those female protagonist only claim to being a woman, is the fact that they aren’t a man... Which is retarded. A character needs more depth than  being defined by what they aren’t. Give them some substance for crying out loud. 


In the end, when trying to think of female action heroes I liked,  and ones I hated, I noticed how small the pool really is in general. But when you look at the movies coming out, you can see there is an upwards trend of ladies who kick ass. And for me, I’m interested in this, as long as the characters are of substance.
I have no opinion of the lead of ‘The Hunger Games’ since I haven’t seen the movie, or read the book. And I don’t really plan to. Not because it has a female at the helm, or because I’m attempting to step away from the popularity of it, but because I just don’t have an interest. The premise just doesn’t grab me. I’ll probably catch it later on, when it’s on DVD, but not right now.
Right now, I’m just happy to see that there is female action hero who can grab an audience’s, attention. Maybe when I finally watch it, I’ll be happy to see that she has some depth, and is uniquely female.   

 

(Warning, the following is a rant regarding a fictitious character, and what is considered very old news to comic fans. Within this rant is Spoilers to the following Daredevil stories, Born Again and Guardian Devil, beware.)

(P.s, Sorry about the length.) 

Fuck Karen Page.

I'm a big Daredevil fan. I have a framed Joe Quesada, Daredevil poster next to bedroom door. My greatest comic book buy is, and probably always will be, Frank Miller's Daredevil Omnibus. He's possibly my favourite super hero. This post isn't about the man without fear though. Its about a lady named Karen Page.

Karen Page is to Daredevil, what Louis Lane is to Superman. She loved Daredevil, and Matt Murdock. When she learned they were one in the same they had a relationship that flourished. Until Karen decided to move up in life, and go from being a Law Office Secretary to being a big time actress in California.

A few years later we re-visit Karen, and shes changed a lot. She goes from the love of Daredevil's life, to being a stupid fucking bitch. She becomes a whore. And that's not a insult to Karen, that's a descriptive. She gets hooked on heroin, and starts starring in porn flicks.
We're talking those grainy, gross porn's, where you feel uncomfortably watching them cause they're so sleezy. Where the guy is ten times more vocal then the girl, and sheets in the bed are really unclean, and pillows have no cases. At least that's how I imagined them... I never gave it much thought.

One day Karen is dying for some Mexican Brown, and for a shot of the stuff she offers up on thing she has that's worth something. The secret Identity of Daredevil. Now, I know drug addicts aren't the most reasonable of people. And in the end she does try to make it right again. But the journey to that point... I think should be questioned.

First off, the info about Matt climes the ladder to the King Pin of crime. Daredevils nemesis. And as soon it gets to him, he has every step of that ladder killed. Every guy this information went through to get to Wilson Fisk is murdered. Granted these are bad men, but if we go by Daredevils personal code, he does not kill, he does not believe murder is justice, its pretty much the wrongest thing you can do.

So lets go by Kevin Bacon's, six degrees of separation. And assume that on its way to Wilson Fisk's hands it went through six peoples hands. So the death toll of Karen Page's stupid, fucking, flappy lips starts off at six.

KILLED BY KAREN PAGE IN ABILITY TO KEEP A SECRET:
6

Karen is also on the King Pin's hit list and is being hunted. She attempts to call Daredevil, and I originally believed it was to warn him, but after re-reading it, I believe its because he can protect her. She's literally, sold the guy out, then has the fucking gull to call him to save her ass? What a stupid bitch.

Karen then proceeds to rob a blind man, while searching for a man she can trade her body to for a ride across the Mexican Border, and some good old “Harry Jones.” This man then proceeds to kill two trigger men sent to kill her. Now, I'd call this self defense, but... she did kind of put her self in their sights so.


KILLED BY KAREN PAGE IN ABILITY TO KEEP A SECRET:
6 + 2 = 8.

Meanwhile, back in New York, Daredevil is half dead, and has been nearly driven insane by the King Pin. Apart of the King Pins plan involved ruining Matt Murdocks career, so a honest, good cop. Is bribed with medical care for his dying son, to say he witnessed Murdock paying off a witness. This cop is later murdered after threatening to expose the conspiracy against Matt Murdock. Also involved are investigative reporter Ben Urich and his wife. Who are both nearly killed.

KILLED BY KAREN PAGE IN ABILITY TO KEEP A SECRET:
8 + 1.5 =9.5

I'm going to try and stream line this. Karen Page ditches her escort (the guy she fucked all the way from Mexico to New York) and he takes its a little hard and kills two cops, then he himself is killed

KILLED BY KAREN PAGE IN ABILITY TO KEEP A SECRET:
9.5 + 3= 12.5

In another attempt to cover up his involvement, the King Pin has a few more people assassinated, three successfully. One of which the timid Ben Urich is forced to kill, causing some serious emotional scaring I'm sure.

KILLED BY KAREN PAGE IN ABILITY TO KEEP A SECRET:
12.5 + 4 = 16.5

The King Pin also hires a psychopathic super soldier to kill Daredevil. A news paper later reads “Dozens Dead.” So lets go with, two dozen. So twenty-four people dead there...

KILLED BY KAREN PAGE IN ABILITY TO KEEP A SECRET:
16.5 + 24 = 40.5

And, in a bid to save lives, Daredevil is forced to take a life himself, breaking his own code.

KILLED BY KAREN PAGE IN ABILITY TO KEEP A SECRET:
40.5 + 1 = 41.5


After she kicks her habit, and gets her life on track she leaves Matt for a new job on the West Coast. She then finds out that she has contracted HIV. Karma for the years of swapping dirty needles and dirtier dicks. As well as justice for all the lives she ruined for being a dumb bitch.

BUT THEN! In a contrived master plan against Daredevil, she is told a baby is responsible for her having AID's, and that if she kills the baby she'd be cured. So she begins to plot the murder of a newborn.

Daredevil too, has contemplated the murder of, and even attempted to murder of this same “evil” baby. But it is revealed that he is under the influence of a hallucinogen, which clouds his judgement and forces him to hate the baby irrationally. Not Karen though, she was fueled by cuntyness. She literally wanted to kill the baby based purely on the suggestion of it.

Shes a bitch of the highest degree. Shes a selfish whore, and when she finally is killed by Bullseye, all I can think is; YES! Finally she gets what she deserves! A metal rod through the fucking heart! The fucking pain shes caused Matt is unending though, the repercussions of her giving up his name to the King Pin never really stopped.

Even beyond that, shes fucking whore who teased Matt with her slutty demeanour. Shes that girlfriend that is poison! That one you see again and again just toying with your best friends heart. That girl that will call you when the chips are down, but forget you as soon as the sun is shining. She is a fucking succubus. And I'm happy shes dead.