I have slight hoarder tendencies. I own a LOT of crap, some of which serves no purpose. I have drawers full of loose sheets of paper, with scribbled notes, and drawings, and blank sheets... I have plans for them. I swear some day I'll use them.
I develop personal relationships with the strangest things, so quickly, its embarrassing. This has lead to me not only having lots of general shit, but some particularly weird shit.

Number 5

Starting with the least weird, is something I picked up while staying at Super 8 motel. My buddy discovered it in the washroom while releaving himself. And when he showed it to me we quickly debated about who would get to keep it, since it was, to us, hilarious. I've had this item for 3 years now, posted on my wall of random shit.

That item is a long paper bag, labelled in a wispy pink font, as being for, the 'disposal of famine products'. Like I said, I've had it for 3 years, and I feel its the least weird thing on this list.

Number 4

I remember when I was younger I had this magazine from when the Spawn movie came out in 1997... Okay I still have that magazine. But that’s not the item in question. Through out that magazine was pages full of Spawn toy adds, which I loved perusing. I never bought a single Spawn Toy, but I looked at them all the time. OFF TOPIC TIME!

You know how on the back of action figure boxes, they always had their catalogue of figures? Basically a big add for the other toys you could buy. Well I'd always open the action figure boxes super carefully, so that I could keep the adds and look at the toys. One time I bought, what I remember being a 'Transformer' toy, and I had kept the back of the packaging.
I figured my mom wouldn't understand why I wanted to keep it, so I hid it away from prying eyes, under my television stand. Periodically I'd sneak a peek at the toy adds, like I was sneaking a peek at a play boy, then slide it back under.
One day I got home from school and went for my dirty little secret, and it was gone. My mom must of found it while cleaning, and threw it away. I was so sad. THE END

Anyway! The Spawn movie magazine also had adds for movie character cut outs. Mostly Star Wars characters. I was so into the idea, of not just having a life size Chewie, in my room, but ANY superhero, or movie character at all! This interest in owning a cut out proceeded with me long after. And three years ago, that dream of having a cut out came true...

Yep... I have not only a life size cut out of, Savage Lion Man, but Social Savage Lion man. He watches me sleep. Its slightly unnerving, when I forget about him at night, and walk into room only to see a shirtless man in the shadows. I often call out, “John Stamos?” but its never him. Its just the Lion Man. Always, just the Lion Man.

Number 3

You watch enough cheap science fiction, you become pretty accustomed to hearing, stock sound effects. The same old, laser sounds, and Wilhelm Screams.
Have you ever wonder how they make those sounds of the universe? Do they have some kind of 'Ultimate Cosmic sound machine?' or something?... Well yes they do, its called a 'Zube Tube', or in layman’s terms, a 'cardboard tube with a spring inside.'


Here is a demo reel:

My Zube Tube, was given to me by a former tenet, who found it in the trash. Why would anyone throw out something so fantastically awesome? I have no idea. Because making noise is not only fun, it appeals to everyone!... Except the deaf, I guess it wouldn't appeal to them...

Number 2

Our minds are funny things. We love to find patterns, in things that have no patterns, and see things that aren't there. Most notably we love to see faces. Its the thing we're most accustomed to seeing, being that we're humans.

I think the second thing we most often identify is probably... genitals. Our minds love to find dicks and vagina's where there are none. Look at your hard wood floor, and tell me you don't see a vagina in the grain, or look at a vegetable garden, and tell me its not just a bunch of, dirt covered cocks. We all love, faces and genitals.

One day, my friend, and I, were watching television, and eating delicious Cheetos. When I requested that he huck one across the room to me. I had no idea what I was in for. What landed in my hand was not a Cheeto. It could only be described as... a Pheeto. As in, a Cheeto, shaped like a penis and balls.
Neither one of us could bring ourselves to eat the damn thing. Either out of respect for it, or the fear of being called gay. I know if he ate it, I'd immediately lambaste him for being a 'Little orange cock eater.”
Regardless, the Pheeto was sealed away into an air tight bag, and has for ever been in my care... for going on five years now. And I have no intentions of getting rid of it. I'd eat my cat, before I ate it.

Number 1

You know those horror stories, where people order a big mac, bite in, and theres a severed finger in their sandwich? Or people bite into a chicken finger, and there is a bit of beak in it? Well... something like that happened to me, and for some strange reason... I kept what I found, AND finished what I was eating.

I once bit into a chicken ball and... out from it popped... this BIG, OLD, CHICKEN!... feather. Yeah it was weird... Never being one to complain about food,(especially since I know this particular restaurant doesn't make the chicken balls, they order them frozen, then cook them),
I just put the feather in my hat, and called it macaroni. Then soldiered on eating my Americanized Chinese food.
I actually placed the feather in a small salt packet, and carried it around with me for a few days, showing it to whomever would listen.

When I grew bored of it, I couldn't simply throug it away. I had grown attached to the little guy, we had gone through so much. So it now rest in air tight bag, on my wall, of random shit.

I'm actually going to ask a question this week, to anyone that is reading. What is the weirdest thing you own? Where did you get it? Why do you still have it?

4/18/2012

I own a few strange things for sure. I have a habit of keeping things that I find significant. I have a rock taken from the yukon wilderness. A 65 year old banjo. A pretzel with a chaotic shape. Other odd instruments like an ocarina or banjolele. Probably the most strange thing I have though is a gentleman's hat full of poppies, pepper packets and fake fingers.

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